


The Path We Take

by RPGWarrior4824



Series: Pathfinder, Truthseeker [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Deliriousness, Diabetic Ryder, F/M, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Ketones, Medical Inaccuracies, Post- Hunting the Archon, Type 1 diabetic, Vomiting, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2020-03-13 12:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18941335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGWarrior4824/pseuds/RPGWarrior4824
Summary: A cold feels innocent enough. Ryder has them all the time while she was back in the Milky Way. But when things doesn't add up, and a cold went from bad to worse. What if its connected to the Archon somehow? Ryder wishes she never met the Archon. This might change her life for the long run.





	1. What is a sneeze?

**Author's Note:**

> This story became a reality thanks to a suggestion made by [ natsora ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora).
> 
> I apologize for any language and spelling errors I might've missed.

Drack was going to be pissed. Amber Ryder knew this. She chose Raeka instead of his scouts. Did she make the right choice?

Maybe she was a coward. Because she didn't have the courage to face him and if she was honest with herself she wasn't sure if she'll ever will.

 “Well that was close,” Jaal was the first to spoke.

“Not that close. It could’ve been worse,” Ryder countered.

Vetra and Jaal gave her a skeptical look but Vetra was the first one to speak, “Right. But it also could’ve gone a lot better.”

This was Ryder being a realist not an optimistic.

Ryder shifted her gaze to both of them, “Alright. You guys know what’s next.”

All three of them took care of their gear and just as Ryder wanted to go out of the room Vetra stopped her, “I hope you’re going to the med bay next.”

Ryder turned around. If anyone would’ve said anything she thought it would’ve been Jaal. But he was awfully quiet. Why was that? Didn’t he agree with her choice? Vetra was the chatty one when they removed their gear, and she’s never this chatty.

“Why?” Ryder asked.

“Well leaving out the part that happened with SAM, you could’ve barely got out of your gear by yourself,” Vetra said sternly.

“Yes I think it’s best that you go,” Jaal agreed. He sounded concerned.  

It was true. Ryder’s whole body was sore but she didn’t think it was serious enough. It felt like she had bruises where she didn’t have before.

“Med Bay. Now.” Lexi appeared within thin air.

“Lexi,” Ryder answered being startled but she hid it away by just blinking a few times. “Where did you come from?”

“Now!” Lexi repeated, this time more sternly.

* * *

What’s the verdict?” Ryder asked after Lexi did her scans and took her blood.

“Nothing too serious. Just a few broken ribs. You’ll be fighting uncomfortable for a while,” Lexi didn’t look up from her datapad. “The blood tests results will take a while, if something comes up I’ll let you know.”

“I can work with uncomfortable,” Ryder said with a shrug.

Lexi eyed her and Ryder felt naked.

“Are you mad about what SAM did?” Ryder asked.

“Yes,” Lexi didn’t even try to deny it, “but you should get some rest. Observation for one day. Just to make sure everything is fine.”

“Everything is fine. You said it yourself.”

“Observation,” Lexi held one blue finger up. “One day.” She wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“Fine,” Ryder said as she lay back onto the bed.

Ryder wasn’t planning on sleeping, but it wasn’t mere 5 minutes after she placed her head on the pillow that she drifted off. She must’ve been more tired than she thought.

When she came to it again she saw Jaal sitting next to her bed, “You okay Jaal?” Ryder asked, seeing how deep in thought he was.

“Yes. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“Of course I am,” she assured him. “Are you mad about what had happened?”

“With SAM?”

That’s not what she meant but she decided to go along with it, “Yes.”

“Not mad. Worried.”

Ryder took his hand, “I’m fine. Lexi just wants me to stay behind. Just a few broken ribs. Nothing too serious.”

Jaal didn’t stay long after that. He insisted that she should rest for the remainder of the day. But just before she drifted off to sleep again she remembered something. She couldn’t believe it slipped her mind.

“Lexi?”

“Yes,” Lexi was sitting at her desk. And turned her chair to look at Ryder.

“Do you know what was in _that_ injection?”

Lexi knew she referred to the injection of the Archon.  

“No, but Suvi is working on it. She’ll come back with results as soon as she has them.”

* * *

The next day everything went fine. Lexi released Ryder and it looked like she was doing fine. Lexi told Ryder how she disagreed with what SAM has done, but after their conversation, it seemed Lexi felt better about what happened.

The rest of the crew were either asking if she was okay, completely ignoring the line of the subject or congratulating her on hitting the Archon with a massive blow.

Last she went to see Drack. He was not happy to see her. He told her she sent his scouts to a fate worse than death. And he wasn’t wrong. She tried to apologize to him, for whatever good that would do, but he didn’t let her. His words cut her deep. She lost his trust. And she wasn’t sure if she would ever get it back again.

The conversation left an ache in her chest.

When they arrived at the Nexus Tann gave a speech and asked her to add on what he said.  The meeting with the leadership has gone as well as it possibly could. Unfortunately, she couldn’t get permission to go to Meridian, which was an absolute bust. Why the hell did she go to the Archon’s flagship? For absolutely freaking nothing?

She understood the leadership doubts, but why did they come to Andromeda? To take no risks whatsoever?

Her brother was awake which was really great! She acted like she was positive saying: “Asher will be awake soon.” But the truth was, she had her doubts from day one.

Amber Ryder wasn’t an optimistic person. It was something that was assumed by others. She couldn’t blame them of course. That’s how she acted around other people. But deep inside she knew she wasn’t.

She was afraid she was going to lose him. That was normal, right?

But…her visit didn’t go that well. He was mad at her. She lied to him about the Golden Worlds, about Dad.

She didn’t know what she expected, of course, he would be mad. When she spoke to him through SAM she tried to tell him, but the words didn’t come out. How could she tell him while he was in a coma that she was the reason their dad was gone? That it was all her fault. She couldn’t. At least not like that.

But she didn’t want him to find out like this either. Golden Worlds, fine someone can tell him about that. But Asher finding out like that about their dad. It wasn’t right. He deserved to find out by his own sister. Not someone else.

Ryder tried. After she heard that her brother was awake she got there as fast as she could. But not fast enough.

That didn’t matter now. The past was in the past.

* * *

Ryder said goodbye to her brother. Things were better between them now. He forgave her and surprisingly didn’t blame Dad’s death on her. He just said he was mad that she didn’t tell him earlier.

He said it wasn’t her fault. She told him…well, everything about Habitat 7. There was no emotion in her voice. Was she cold? She missed him so much, she knew it. And she still didn’t understand why he saved her life. She and her dad had a very complicated relationship which she couldn’t explain even if she tried.

Cora talked to her. She said that Alec Ryder loved her and that’s why he did it. But she had this sinking feeling the whole time that there was more than that. If she could just remember what he said before she blacked out at Habitat 7. That was the last words her dad said to her, but it’s just blank.

They couldn’t stay on the Nexus for much longer. They needed to move on. She decided Voeld would be their next destination. There were a couple of assignments left that needed her full attention. Luckily the outpost was already done, which meant things could move along on Voeld.

Ryder, Jaal, and Peebee were suiting up. And then something really weird happened. Ryder sneezed.

Jaal and Peebee stopped with what they were doing and looked at her as if she did the craziest thing in the Galaxy.

Peebee gave her a weird look and it was clear that Jaal had no idea what happened.

“What just happened?” Jaal asked.

Not taking her eyes off Ryder Peebee answered with a smirk, “Ryder just sneezed.”

“Ah,” Jaal said as understanding kicked in. “Cora mentioned sneezing before. So this is what it sounds like.” He seemed to consider this. “Interesting.”

Ryder shrugged and picked up an Assault Rifle, “So I sneezed, it’s not a big deal.”

That’s what Ryder thought at the time. Later it would turn out she was very wrong.

“When was the last time you’ve sneezed?” Peebee asked.

“Hmm…” Ryder wasn’t sure. When was the last time she sneezed? She equipped the Assault rifle and answered with a shrug.

“Peebee,” Jaal started, “Why does that matter?”

It was the first time Peebee turned her gaze to Jaal, “Because that could mean our dear Pathfinder is having a cold.”

“I’m not having a cold. I feel fine,” Ryder said defensively before Jaal could even ask what a cold is. “It could also mean I’m allergic to something.”

“Like what?” Peebee challenged her.

“I don’t know,” Ryder answered too fast. ”Point being I’m not having a cold. It’s just one sneeze. There could be numerous reasons why I’ve sneezed.”

But it wasn’t just one sneeze. In the Nomad she sneezed twice, each time Peebee gave her a weird look and Jaal gave her a fascinating one.

After they were done for the day they returned to the Tempest. Ryder was more tired than usual and she couldn’t understand why.

Back in her quarters, she tried to work for a bit until she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore. Then finally she started to go to bed.

The next morning she woke up with a strange headache and her nose was blocked.

She went to the bathroom to wash her face, to help her wake up. When that didn’t seem to work she went to the galley to make some coffee.

Vetra was there when Ryder arrived. “Morning,” Ryder muttered. Surprised how strange her voice sounded to her own ears.

_Was Peebee right? Am I getting a cold?_

No. That can’t be it. Maybe it’s just an off day.

“Are you okay Ryder?” Vetra asked. “You don’t look so good.”

Vetra was drinking something that Ryder couldn’t identify.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just need my coffee to wake up,” she lied.

After finishing her coffee she didn’t feel any better.

“SAM what’s our ETA?” Ryder asked. She decided to help Vetra next.

* * *

“Are you sure you should drive?” Vetra asked. They were on H-047c, on their way to the abandoned mine Sid told them about

“Yeah, why?” Ryder’s voice started to sound hoarse.

“Have you looked in the mirror today?” Vetra asked.

Ryder didn’t pull her eyes from the road, “Don’t start,” she knew where Vetra was going with this. “I’m fine. It’s just a cold.”

“Are you sure about that?” Vetra went on. “You look worse than you did this morning.”

“Yeah, it’s fine. It’ll pass.” Ryder said, being very sure of herself. “Peebee’s already gloating because she was right. So there’s that.”

“What was she right about?” Vetra inquired.

Ryder took her eyes off the road to look at Vetra. Hmm…that was interesting. “Peebee didn’t gloat?”

Before Vetra could answer Jaal talked, “Eyes on the road Ryder.”

And then they felt it. Ryder drove on a hill. Her stomach made knots but afterward, she felt an odd sense of freedom. Ryder loved it. Until her stomach protested and left her with an uneasy feeling. That was odd, she thought. But she said nothing about it.

“Coming back to Peebee,” Vetra said a few moments later, “I don’t think she would have fun at the compromise of you not feeling well.”

Ryder could feel Jaal leaning in closer, “I have come to know Peebee better recently,” he said, “she won’t admit it but she cares.”

Peebee was someone Ryder couldn’t figure out yet. She had layers, lots and lots of them. It was a way to protect herself. Peebee was one of those people who took a lot of work before she’ll let you in. She reminded Ryder of an old friend.

* * *

“Do you really have to go?” Niria asked as Ryder packed her bag.

“We’ve talked about this,” Ryder threw a blue jersey at her best friend.

“You know you don’t have to go only because _they_ are going.”

Niria had a point there, but what choice did she have? Nothing was here for her anymore. Except maybe for Niria, but she had her own life. Her dad thought he could find a cure for Mom and just look what it did.

Mom died, Dad got discharged. And it ruined her and her brother’s careers.

Careers weren’t everything. She knew that better than anyone. But it wasn’t only her career. She tried to move on, but she couldn’t.

Funny that it took something like this for people to show their true colours.

Don’t trust people. People will let you down. They’re undependable.

In the end, Niria was the only one who was there for her. Ryder felt bad for abandoning her, but what other choice did she have?

“I can’t stay here anymore. You know why.” She walked up to Niria and took the blue jersey from her. She sat on the bed next to her studying the jacket, “I have to move on.”

“You’re taking that to a new level by moving to another galaxy don’t you think?” The turian challenged her.

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m looking for an adventure,” Ryder could feel a smirk at the sides of her lips.

“Well, you were always the adventurer between us Amber.”

* * *

She was the only good thing that was left in Ryder’s life. And she abandoned her. Was it even the right choice?

It’s been months and Ryder still didn’t have the right answer to that.

It wasn’t long before they arrived at the abandoned mine, “Are you guys ready?” she asked no one in particular.

Of course, later it will turn out to be a trap. How many times were they in a trap since arriving in Andromeda? Ryder lost count.

* * *

 

 

After the Pathfinder team got away from Merriweather’s trap they, fortunately, had Sid to guide them. Which of course Vetra wasn’t happy about. Neither would Ryder be if she were in Vetra’s shoes.

Ryder’s brother was only two minutes younger than her. But she could only imagine what went through Vetra’s mind. How worried she must be for her sister.

Vetra seemed extra focused for this reason. Not like Ryder…

She was slower and apparently she was wrong about her stomach, blaming the hill and the Nomad. Ryder was unfocused she didn’t move so smooth in combat then she usually did. And she just felt worse and even more tired than before. Her stomach twisted and turned at every movement. But she went on.

Unfortunately, Vetra’s worst fear became a reality: Sid was captured by Merriweather. They moved fast. Faster. To try and get to Sid.

Ryder’s heart protested. Beating rapidly against her chest. Asking. No begging to take things slower. It was protesting against her fast movements. But Ryder chose to ignore it. She had no other choice.

She almost thought for a second that Jaal and Vetra would realize something is off, but they didn’t seem to notice. Which was a surprise to her at that point.

“Pathfinder-“ SAM’s voice sounded in her head. But she cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Not now SAM,” she spoke through their private channel.

When they went through a door each one of them was on full alert. Each one pointing a weapon at a different angle. The door made a swishing sound when it closed. Ryder turned her head making sure there weren’t any unexpected surprises happening at their backs.

They only took a few steps forward until they saw Sid and some women who Ryder could only guess had to be the infamous Merriweather. They were waiting for them. She had her gun pointing at Sid’s back. Using Sid as a shield.

It was a clever tactic, of course. That way Merriweather protected herself. But Vetra, seeing her sister like that. Seeing the person she raised and would without a doubt do anything for her. That must’ve been hard.

The two groups moved closer to each other. “Think carefully about your next move, Pathfinder,” said Merriweather.

Apparently, the weapon that was in Merriweather’s hand was not a gun like Ryder thought, but a grenade.

Eyes focused on the grenade, Ryder spoke with calmness in her voice, “That explodes it takes you out, too.”

Ryder didn’t need to say it. Merriweather could see it, but using a grenade to kill your hostage and the people who wanted to rescue the hostage wasn’t the smartest plan.

“You won’t let that happen,” Merriweather sounded very sure of herself and everyone in the room knew it was the truth.

“Vetra…” Sid whispered.

Sid was too afraid to say anything else.

“It’s going to be okay,” Vetra assured her sister. “We’re going to get you out of this.”

Ryder knew there was nothing she could say that would assure her. Ryder was a stranger to Sid. So she turned her attention to Merriweather, “Come on, that’s a kid you’ve got there” she gripped her weapon tighter feeling the safety that her weapon provided. “She’s not a threat. Let her go.”

“She hacked my security. And she’s as tall as you are,” Merriweather dismissed Ryder’s words. “Guns on the ground!” she ordered them.

Ryder had two choices here. She weighed it in her head, trying her best to focus on the stakes. Either she could submit, they were already putting their weapons on the ground. But Merriweather didn’t look like someone who would keep her promises. That was a risk.

Or just as they were lowering their weapons Ryder can shoot something. She could distract Merriweather and they could get Sid out of there.

Either way, it was a risk.

Her hands chose before her brain could register. She took her weapon nodded at Vetra to make sure she was ready and distracted Merriweather.

She shot at something that was behind Merriweather and Sid. The grenade fell out of Merriweather’s hand. It was already set to go off. Ryder could hear the grenade ticking among all of the gunshots. Luckily Vetra was fast. Crouching behind covers. Her movements were precise. When she got to the grenade she threw it across the room.

It landed between two of Merriweather’s guards. Ryder didn’t have time to look at it exploding. With her biotics and her weapon, she eliminated the guards. It wasn’t long till she heard the explosion.

As she eliminated more of the guards she got closer and closer to Merriweather. Ryder thought Vetra should get the honours.

Apparently, this was something Vetra thought as well. She moved around some crates. “Cover me!” she shouted as her hungry eyes set on Merriweather. It wasn’t directed to anyone specific. One thing was set on Vetra’s mind and that was revenge.

Ryder covered her, taking care of all the guards. Using Pull on one and Throw on another one. Her eyes weren’t set on Jaal, but she could hear his shots. It wasn’t long until the guards were all dead. And when Ryder looked at Merriweather’s direction she could see the woman's lifeless body.  A pool of red blood formed under her.

Luckily through all of this Sid found a place to hide. She was out of harm’s way and didn’t have a scratch on her. At least not that Ryder could see.

Of course, there was a disagreement before they parted. In the end, Ryder asked Vetra if she was okay. But she directed the question back at her.

“I’m fine,” Ryder insisted as a wave of dizziness engulfed her.

“We should get back to the Tempest,” Jaal suggested.

As they made their way back to the Nomad Ryder could feel her steps faltering. Her feet didn’t work as they should.

The way back felt long and draggy. But she made it back to the Nomad. She had no idea how.

* * *

After eating Ryder felt a lot better. She didn’t eat a lot, but that what she ate helped.

This was the first she’s been this exhausted.

As Ryder was seated next to her desk, rubbing her eyes, trying her hardest not to pass out SAM spoke, “Perhaps you should see Dr. T’Perro.”

“I’m fine SAM,” she said as she made her way to her bed. “I don’t feel dizzy anymore.”

“Pathfinder, although you don’t feel dizzy anymore you are not fine. You know that I can detect when you lie to me.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” she said with a sigh. “I’ll go tomorrow morning if I don’t feel any better.”

Ryder burrowed into her covers feeling a rush of heat going through her head. She fell into a dreamless sleep.

Of course, it would be too much to ask that she would feel better after getting some sleep. When she woke up, her mouth felt dry, her throat felt raw. Begging her to have some water. She felt nauseous. She lay there in her bed for who knows how long hoping that she would feel magically better. She knew it was hopeless.

She crawled out of her bed and almost fell out of it.

The room was spinning and putting one foot in front of the other was an accomplishment that was hard to achieve.

She succeeded for a while but never made it to the door. Her feet gave out from underneath her, and she collapsed to the ground.

Something must’ve zapped all of her energy because she had none. She didn’t know if she could get up again. She tried to crawl to the door, but even doing that was hard. So she just lay there. Catching her breath. The cold floor was a relief against her hot body.

“Dr. T’Perro is on her way,” SAM said and she was surprised that she heard him through all the buzzing she heard throughout her ears.

Before Ryder could think to reply she lost consciousness.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. What's wrong with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW deliriousness.

“Ryder,” she heard someone calling her from a distant. Almost like a far off dream. Her head felt fuzzy. And all she wanted to do was to sleep.

That isn’t too much to ask, is it?

She heard it a few times again and wanted to open her eyes to ask _this_ person to leave her the hell alone. But no matter how hard she tried her eyes refused to listen to her. 

“Amber you need to wake up,” her eyes finally shot open. The invisible glue that held them shut was gone. If she wasn’t mistaken it was Lexi talking to her. “Come,” she grabbed her arm, “Let’s go to the med bay.”

Lexi stopped, Ryder could see worry filling her features. “Can you stand?”

“Yes,” she answered before she thought about it. She bit her lower lip and tried to stand up.  Her weak body protested. She needed to hold on to the walls for support. It took a while but they finally made it to the med bay

Ryder fell on one of the beds with a thud.

“I need to run some tests, first, we’ll start with some scans. Then I’ll put up the IV line. Getting some fluids in you will only do you some good.”

“Ryder?” Lexi asked.

Ryder snapped her eyes opened. She must’ve moaned. “Yeah?” she answered between consciousness and unconsciousness.

“I know this is hard, but we have to figure out what’s going on,” Lexi said. Ryder tried to keep her eyes open but all she could see was a blurry blue figure. The room stayed out of focus. The blue figure went on, “You need to stay awake. Just until I’ve done the scans and your IV line is up.”

“Just let me sleep,” Ryder’s weak voice protested. “Just five minutes then…” her voice trailed off as she was starting to lose consciousness again.

“Ryder!” Lexi shouted. “Just try.”

Ryder would’ve sighed if it wasn’t so much trouble but instead she just gave a small nod.

While Lexi did the scans Ryder lost so many times consciousness that she lost count.

“Hmm…” Ryder snapped her eyes opened up again and realized Lexi spoke. “This doesn’t make sense.”

Ryder rubbed her eyes, “Not what you expected?” her voice sounded droopy to her ears.

“The scans show nothing. I’ll have to run some other tests,” when Lexi saw the disappointed look in Ryder’s eyes she added, “You can sleep while I run them.”

Lexi’s cold hands worked on Ryder to put the IV on. Ryder felt the needle making contact with her skin and soon she could return to restless sleep. Or that’s what she thought.

* * *

The next few days Ryder’s condition only got worse. Lexi ran tests after tests, but she couldn’t find out what was going on. As the days went on Ryder got only weaker.

Ryder jerked awake as she felt a needle making contact on her skin. When she looked at her arm she saw Lexi taking blood again. “The last tests didn’t give you the answers.” It wasn’t a question, but an observation.

“No,” Lexi answered with a sigh. “I can only treat your symptoms and that isn’t enough.”

“Well it’s a new Galaxy with it comes more unknown illnesses, right?” Ryder tried to lighten the atmosphere.

Lexi gave her a smile that was a mixture between warm and sympathy. “How are you feeling?”

“Like a buss ran over me,” Ryder buried her face in her hands. “Maybe even worse.”

“What’s a bus?” Jaal asked entering the Med Bay.

A smile formed at the sides of Ryder’s lips, “I’ll tell you later.

“I’ll give you two some time,” Before she left the room she added, “I can use a break.”

“So I buss-“ Ryder started but was interrupted by Jaal.

“I don’t care what a buss is. There’s much more important things to discuss.”

“Okay. You’re probably right.” Ryder understood why Jaal asked when he entered the room, he wondered out loud.

“So…” Jaal tried to start a new conversation but it was too awkward.

“You look uncomfortable,” Ryder concluded. “You okay?”

“I'm not the one lying in the med bay.”

“Don't worry,” Ryder said, “It'll blow over soon.” She took Jaal's hand into hers.

Jaal didn't need to say that it wasn't the case they both knew it. Ryder only said that to lighten the mood.

She felt Jaal's bio-electricity and it made her relax. Ryder didn't even know she was tense. After a moment she shifted uncomfortably.

Jaal immediately realized it, “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“Yeah,” she said as a wave of dizziness hit her, “I'm just so damn hot.”

“Pathfinder,” SAM spoke over the med bay's comm speakers, “I detect a rise in your temperature.”

Ryder could see Jaal wanted to ask what that meant but hesitated. Jaal looked even more uncomfortable. “My fever is getting worse,” she explained.

“That is correct,” SAM confirmed. “I'll let Dr. T'Perro know.”

“No. Just wait a bit,” Ryder protested. “I'll be okay.”

“It will be best if she knows.” SAM went on to explain further, “Left untreated it will get worse.”

“It _will_ get worse SAM,” Ryder said in an irritating tone. “Nothing helps,” she murmured and wished SAM didn't hear it but knew it was too good to be true.

Jaal's grip got tighter and somehow gave her the strength she needed, “Fine. Let her know.”

“I should go,” Jaal stood up from his chair. The chair scraping the floor as Jaal pushed it away. It intensified Ryder's headache. “You should get some rest.”

“No,” her voice left him in his tracks. “Please. Stay.”

There must've been something hidden in her eyes because Jaal kept studying them until he sat back in his chair. “Alright.”

Lexi rushed inside the med bay and got the scanner ready. As the scanner did its work Jaal gave Ryder a supporting smile until everyone heard a beep telling them that the scanner did its work.

A worried expression made it's way to Lexi's features as she read the results. “Well, that's not good.” She looked at Ryder as the gears turned inside her head, “You should rest. I'll give you something for the fever.”

* * *

“Lexi is everything alright with Ryder?” Cora asked as she strolled into the med bay. “I got your email.”

Lexi looked exhausted but still focused. “The short answer, no.”

Cora’s gaze fixed on a still form of Ryder sleeping. Her skin looked paler. She looked weak. Something was terribly wrong. “And the long answer?”

Lexi took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her. There are still some tests that I can do. But…” she stopped. Looking at Ryder. Lexi was worried. “So far there’s nothing.”

These past few months she saw Lexi being worried when the crew got injured, but nothing like this. That told Cora how grim the situation really was.

Cora struggled to see Lexi’s point, “Meaning what?”

“I don’t think I can run the right tests here.”

“Cora nodded catching up to the point Lexi was making, “I’ll tell Kallo to take us to the Nexus.”

Cora started to leave the med bay but turned around again, “Is she staying the same?”

“No. She’s getting worse,” Lexi gave the news that Cora feared. “I tried treating her symptoms but there's nothing I can do for her anymore.”

“So you have no idea what's going on?” Cora asked in disbelief. Something was wrong and Lexi must've known something.

“The tests-"

“Screw the tests,” Cora said and could immediately see the shocked expression forming on Lexi's features. “What do you think?”

“I think it's a virus. There’s signs of one.”

* * *

Ryder was hot. The blanket too heavy and it was suffocating her. She threw it off and opened her eyes. It was a mistake lights pierced her eyes and she winced, letting out a little groan.

_Where am I?_

She should get up. Did she oversleep? Her legs felt too heavy to move them to the side. Where did she tell Kallo to go next? Was it Kadara? No Aya should be the one.

She sat up straight but realized it was a big mistake. The edges of her vision got darker and she felt so damn hot. Now was not the time for getting a cold.

Her feet touched the cold floor and immediately it felt like it was on fire, “Ryder!” The voice belonged to Lexi, but what the hell was Lexi doing in her room? “Where are you going!?”

Ryder was confused by Lexi's tone. She sounded alarmed. But why?

“I need to go,” Ryder explained though she didn't know why she owed Lexi an explanation. “We're almost at Aya.”

“Aya?” Lexi repeated and blinked her eyes a couple of times. Lexi grabbed Ryder's shoulders and forced her to look at her,” Ryder what are you talking about? You should get back to bed.”

“Bed?” Ryder's furrows borrowed in confusion. There were cotton balls in her mind. She couldn’t think straight.  “And why the hell are you in my room?” she yelled.

Lexi's alarming features only grew further.

“What's going on?” Jaal ran in. “I heard a commotion.”

Lexi ignored him, “Ryder what is the last thing you remember?”

Ryder tried to remember but it was too hard and with it her splitting headache got worse.  All she knew was that she needed to get to Aya. It was important, but she couldn’t recall why.

“I have to get to Aya.” _Why didn’t they understand? Why did they look at me as if I’m crazy?_

She stood up from her bed but she wasn't strong enough and her feet gave out from under her.

Before Ryder knew what happened Lexi was at her side. “Jaal help!” she ordered. “SAM a little help,” Lexi directed at SAM.

“Pathfinder you need to listen to Dr. T'Perro,” SAM spoke from a speaker.

With the help of Jaal and Lexi Ryder was on the bed again. “Why? I have a job to do.”

“That’s why Cora is there,” Lexi tried to be helpful. “She’s standing in for you until you’re ready again.”

“Ready?” That didn’t make sense. “How far are we from Aya?” Ryder asked.

“Ryder…” Lexi held Ryder's hand. “We're not going to Aya. We're going to the Nexus and we're almost there.”

“Wh-" Ryder interrupted herself with a fit of coughs. It took a while for her to catch her breath again. “Why? I set the course to Aya.”

“You didn't Ryder,” Jaal broke the news. He looked scared.

Ryder blinked confusingly. She still had no idea what was going on. “I don't understand.”

“You're sick Ryder,” Lexi said. “We're going to get you help, okay?”

Ryder frowned until her memories came back to her in a flood. She was still confused but she understood better. “Oh,” she didn't know what else to say.

She couldn’t sort the line of thoughts. Everything was confusing.

“I can help you relax,” SAM suggested.

Ryder laid back and looked at the ceiling then she realized this wasn't her room. “Okay. Thanks, SAM.”

* * *

A few hours later after Ryder was asleep again and her things were sorted for the Nexus she heard a soft knock.

Lexi immediately knew who it was. “Jaal come in.”

“Can we talk?” he sounded worried.

Lexi knew Ryder and Jaal got closer lately. Jaal cared a great deal about Ryder. She turned her chair around, “You want to talk about what happened.”

Jaal seemed shocked, “Yes.” There was an uncomfortable silence forming between them. “How did you know that?”

“It's my job to know the Tempest crew,” she got up to get a datapad. This was the third time that Lexi double checked Ryder's list of symptoms, but she couldn't afford to screw up. Time was of the essence.

“What happened?” Jaal asked the question that was probably swimming in his head for the last couple of hours. “I know she wasn't fine. But that was…” he stopped, and a guilty look took the place of the worried one. “I'm sorry. It's rude to ask. I shouldn't have come.”

“Jaal wait,” he stopped when Lexi spoke. “Ryder is delirious.”

That didn't help at all, it confused him even further. “I...don't know what that means,” he admitted.

“I'll explain that to you later. After we get to the Nexus.”

“Dr. T'Perro,” SAM said before Jaal could say anything further. “We'll be arriving at the Nexus soon.”

Jaal almost seemed relief with the news.

“I've informed Dr. Carlyle,” SAM continued, “He'll meet us at the docking bay.”

“Good,” Lexi said as she grabbed a couple of datapads and placed it in her medical bag. “You can stay here while I meet Harry.”

Lexi was too busy to see if Jaal nodded or not.

* * *

“I don't get it,” Lexi said holding her tea with both hands. “Are we missing something?”

After the 10th time Harry told Lexi to take a break she finally agreed. She was exhausted. But she couldn't stop. Ryder was her responsibility.

Ryder is not alright. Far from it. Lexi wasn't even sure if she would survive whatever this was.

“Stop Lexi,” Harry said. “No work.”

“How can you say that?” Lexi said louder than she should have. “If we don't…” her voice trailed off not being able to voice her thoughts.

“I know,” he touched her hand for some form of assurance. “You need to go Lexi.”

“Go?” she repeated. “Go where? Ryder needs me.” Lexi couldn't believe Harry would ask her to leave.

“The Tempest needs you,” he insisted. “Cora can only do so much Pathfinder work on the Nexus. Everyone has a job. Including you.”

“Cora came and talk to you,” Lexi didn't need to see Harry nodding to know it was the truth. “I can't leave her. She's my responsibility.”

“No,” Harry said, “The Tempest is your responsibility. That's the job, Lexi.”

“We still don't know what's wrong with her.”

“We'll figure it out.” When Lexi didn't say anything else he continued, “There's nothing else you can do for her here. I'll keep running tests and let you know what I find.”

Reluctantly Lexi finally agreed, “Okay.”

“I’ll take good care of her,” Harry promised.

It wasn't the first time Harry or Cora had this talk with Lexi. It has been weeks since they've arrived at the Nexus. More tests with no answers. Ryder was connected to machines. Making life for her somehow easier.

It has really come to this. Lexi thought they could help her sooner, but that was just wishful thinking.

Her twin visited her. Since Asher was still recovering neither she nor Harry thought it was a good idea that he came and see her. But…he was persistent.

Most of his visits Ryder was asleep except for one time. Unfortunately, she was delirious again. Asher didn't need to say anything for Lexi to see it was hard for him. The look in his eyes was enough to show it.

So the next day Lexi said goodbye to an unconscious Ryder and left. She and Harry emailed each other back and forth.

Lexi might've slept difficult before but not working the whole time to find answers on Ryder have left her being more worried than before. She worked until her brain was too tired to focus.

After another sleepless night she checked her messages. She was glad to see one from Harry.

She almost jumped up from her seat of excitement when she read the subject line.

_Is that what I think it is?_

That was very unlike Lexi. But how could she react differently? Did Harry find the answers they were looking for? Did all the sleepless nights finally paid off?

She opened the attachment and studied the notes Harry sent. It wasn't long before she came to the conclusion that before her eyes were the answers to their questions.

* * *

When Ryder woke up she had to blink her eyes a couple of times to get used to the light. She frowned when she saw her brother sitting on a chair next to her bed.

“Hello Amber,” she smiled as she recognized SAM's voice in her head. “I've contacted Dr. Carlyle and Dr. T'Perro to let them know you're awake.”

Before Ryder could respond through their private channel she heard a chair creak protesting her brother's movements. “Amber,” he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “you're awake.”

Ryder was confused. A million questions popped in her head.

_Where am I?_

_What happened?_

_How did I get here?_

_Why the hell does Asher looks so worried?_

She didn't give voice to any of her questions, at least not now. “Yeah…” she trailed off, not sure what to say. “Shouldn't you still be in bed?”

“Finished physical therapy about an hour ago,” he explained. “So I decided to come here.”

“You're awake,” Lexi said when she stood next to Ryder's bed. “Looks like the cure worked.”

“As I said it would,” SAM spoke from Lexi's omni-tool. He almost sounded offended, but he couldn’t possibly be, could he?

“What happened?” Ryder asked. She had no idea what Lexi talked about.

“What do you remember?” Lexi asked.

Ryder had to think hard. Her memory felt foggy but she did remember bits and pieces. “I was sick,” she recalled. “You dragged me to the med bay,” she looked at Lexi. “The rest is…very vague.”

Lexi nodded as she made some notes on her datapad. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay, I think. A bit dizzy,” she said as she sat up straight. She had no problem doing so. “And… I have a headache.”

“Hold still,” Lexi ordered as she scanned Ryder. “Hmm…” she said as she looked at the results. “Your temperature is normal again. That's great news.” Ryder could hear the excitement from Lexi’s voice.

“I had a fever?”

“Yes,” Lexi confirmed. “At some point, you were even delirious.”

“Oh,” she said surprised. That would explain why her brother looked worried. She remembered waking up a few times but it almost seemed like a strange dream. “What was wrong with me?”

“Asher,” Lexi switched her gaze to him. “Do you mind leaving us alone for a bit? I need to talk to your sister.”

“Sure,” he left his chair. “I have to get back anyways. See you later Amber.”

Ryder greeted him with a nod.

“Lexi you're scaring me. What's up?” Ryder asked when her brother left the room. “Should I be worried?”

“No. According to your vitals,” she pointed to a monitor, “you're getting much better. I just thought we should have this conversation in private.” Lexi sat on the chair that was abandoned by her brother. “You remember being injected by the Archon?”

“Yeah,” Ryder shifted uncomfortably in her bed. She didn't like where this conversation was heading. “It's kind of hard to forget something like that.”

“It gave you a virus. A virus that took its toll on your body.”

“Wait,” Ryder said as she thought this over. “I thought SAM dissolved it. How is that even possible?”

“We're not sure. It took us a long time to figure out what was wrong. But the important thing is you're okay. And you're recovering.”

This was supposed to be good news for Ryder. At least in the sense that this illness was over and she could go on with her life. But for Ryder, this was a hard pill to swallow.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Just when everything was back to normal

“You're ready to get back to work?” Jaal asked while Ryder took a sip of her sweet coffee.

“Hell yes,” she didn't need to think twice about it. She was tired of sitting on her ass doing nothing while Cora had all the fun. “Tomorrow is the day,” she said excitedly.

It was the best news she had in weeks when Lexi told her she's cleared for duty. This unknown virus stole enough time from her already. She was ready to get back out there.

“How are you feeling?” Jaal asked with a concerned look.

“I’m fine. Just have headaches but that’s okay.” Ryder didn’t have to read minds to know what he was thinking. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“See what?” he was clearly not on the same page, being lost in his thoughts.

“I was delirious,” she explained. “That must’ve been…uncomfortable to see.” She looked away. Ashamed that it happened. She never wanted to be in that position again. The truth was she didn’t know what to say to Jaal.

“You…remember?” he was surprised.

Everyone knew that her memories were foggy. But lately, she started to remember things. She thought a lot about when she got delirious. Especially with the time that Jaal was present.

“Bits and pieces of it,” she shrugged as if it were nothing. “Not all of it. No.” She buried her face in her coffee and was unsure if she should say what popped in her head. Her mouth decided for her. “With some things…I don’t know if it really happened.”

_She could kick herself. Why did she say that?_

“Is it because you were delirious?” Jaal seemed unsure if that was the right question to ask, but curiosity got the better of him.

“Yeah… I guess.” She placed her mug in the sink. Her mind raced to change the topic somehow. “Did I explain to you what a buss is?”

She was worried that he wouldn't follow, but it wasn't long before he answered, “No. But Liam did.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Pathfinder,” SAM spoke and she saw no reaction from Jaal so it must’ve been through their private channel. “You have a meeting with Cora soon,” he reminded her.

Her eyes widened. “I have to go.” She left before Jaal could ask what just happened.

Ryder hated it. So many time wasted. If they weren't caught in the Archon's trap she wouldn't have wasted so much time. Of course, there would've been a trap. Why wouldn't there?

Ryder should’ve been prepared for anything. But she wasn’t. It was stupid of her.

She made her way to her quarters and checked the time on her omni-tool. Cora would be there in a couple of minutes. Her desk was messy. Datapads was all over her desk. Four empty mugs sat on her desk as evidence of a late night.

“Did I have that much coffee last night?” she asked. Ryder was there but her mind wasn’t present.

“Yes Pathfinder,” SAM startled her as his voice echoed in her head and she almost jumped.

“Crap SAM,” Ryder didn't even bother speaking through their private channel. “You have to stop doing that.” She took a few deep breaths to recover, “I was just talking to myself.”

“I detect an increase in your heart rate.”

“You think?” she answered sarcastically. “It's because you startled me.”

“My apologies Pathfinder.”

 “Okay, time to clean up this mess,” she said to no one in particular. She grabbed her datapads and placed them on a neat pile. Then she took the four coffee mugs and went to the Galley.

When Ryder got there Jaal was gone. He was probably in the Tech lab. She made a mental note to not only spend more time with him but with the rest of the crew as well. She needed to catch up with them.

The meeting with Cora went as smoothly as expected.

“So you’ve done all that there’s to do on Voeld?” Ryder asked when she scanned the datapad with her eyes that Cora handed to her.

“Most of it, yes,” Cora confirmed. “A lot has happened. On here you’ll find every copy of the reports I did.”

“Woah Cora,” Ryder gasped. “This is really thorough. Thank you.”

Since the first time, her feet made contact with the cold planet she never had any love for it. She couldn’t place her finger on it that made her dislike the planet so much.

It wasn’t that she hated the cold. She actually loved it while the others froze their asses off. It wasn’t that she thought it hadn’t any beautify. It was a beautiful planet. It was just her least favourite planet in Andromeda.

“I hope you like to read. There’s a lot of information there,” it was hard not to notice Cora’s growing smirk.

“Did you find anything interesting?”

“Just read the reports, Ryder.”

“Alright.”

* * *

“Lexi are you sure?” Ryder asked. Even she could hear the panic in her voice.

Lexi did a series of tests to make sure she was in the clear.

She shot Ryder a sharp look and she immediately felt guilty.

“I’m sorry, I just…” Ryder fiddled nervously with her hands. “We didn’t see this virus coming, and I need to be out there.”

“I know.”

Ryder didn’t share all of her doubts with Lexi. According to all the tests Ryder was back to normal. She couldn’t help this uneasy feeling she had ever since Lexi told her where this mysterious virus came from.

She couldn’t explain it, but deep down she knew this will come back to haunt her. She just didn’t know how yet.

Lexi kept working with Harry trying to find more information about it. As far as they could tell Ryder was the first person from the Milky Way species who experienced this.

This just caused Ryder to have a growing ache in her stomach.

* * *

Her first day out there was great. Being able to do her job again. Connecting with people. At first, she focussed on some small missions. They didn’t take a lot of her time but it was necessary to do it.

After dealing with the kett base on Eos Ryder was in a hurry to get back to the Tempest. They fought hard and long against them. But at the end of the day, it was worth it. There were one less kett base and no matter how small of a difference it made, it felt like it counted.

“Can this thing not go any faster?” Ryder was not only irritated but frustrated as well.

“You’re already going fast,” Peebee commented. “Why are you in such a rush?” a curious question rose.

The Nomad was eating Eos’ dust and she knew it. Ryder bit the side of her cheek, “I need to pee. Like yesterday. Are you happy?”

That was uncalled for. Ryder was irritated the whole time and she didn’t know why. This was very unlike her.

Peebee didn’t seem to catch on to how irritated Ryder was, “Didn’t you just go before the mission.” It wasn't a question, but Ryder decided to answer it nonetheless.

“Yeah…” Ryder forgot about that. That was weird. She drank a lot of fluids lately, but she was thirsty the whole time. “I still need to go,” her grip tightened on the steering wheel.

“How would you know that?” Vetra asked. “That’s a bit…” she didn’t seem to find the right word.

“She told me,” Peebee said as if it was the most natural thing in the galaxy. “And I quote…” she made air quotes with her fingers, “…Peebee gear up. I’ll be there in a minute I just need to go to the toilet.”

Ryder never removed her armor that fast in her life before. She panicked and almost thought she wouldn't make it in time but luckily she did.

She felt a flush of relief when she emptied her bladder. This was beginning to become a problem.

She would go to bed…much earlier than she always did. Lately, she was exhausted all the time. Nobody realized it, at least not yet, but she was slacking. Slower at missions. Tired. It was hard to focus on her work.

She would wake up early in the morning her bladder so full that walking was uncomfortable. There was no reason why her bladder would be that full. And it wasn't like this happened once in a blue moon. It happened every night.

So she started to restrict her fluids. No water. No coffee. No nothing after a certain time. Which was really hard to do since she was so thirsty all the time.

In the morning her throat felt raw, uncomfortable. It was so uncomfortable that she had difficulty swallowing. She couldn't wait to grab a glass of water. That first swallow of water gave her such a relief. But one glass was never enough. Sometimes she needed to drink 3 or 4 glasses.

When Ryder was done using the bathroom she went to the galley. She drank water until her stomach couldn’t take more. She felt uncomfortable full, but yet hungry too.

_I just need to lay down for 10 minutes, then I'll feel better._

That's what she did…except it wasn't just for 10 minutes. She had no idea what woke her up, besides that didn't matter. She snapped her eyes open. She was hot, not feverous, but still hot. It felt like her heart beating out of her chest. Almost like being awakened by a bad dream.

She didn't recall dreaming anything. Just closing her eyes, but instead of blinking, it never opened.

It was dark outside. “Oh crap,” she said as she tried to move so fast out of bed she fell on the ground. “SAM,” she said as panic arose. “How long did I sleep?” Ryder was afraid of the answer.

“4 hours.”

_4 hours!?! That was longer than she thought._

She felt even more exhausted. “Why didn't you wake me up? I…I have work to do.”

Amber Ryder was never the most organized person but right now she was a mess and it got more and more difficult to hide it away. She felt messy as her damp shirt stuck to her skin.

“You were tired. And you didn't ask me to wake you up.”

“I didn't?” Ryder said as a headache began to make its way to her.

“Ryder,” SAM started. He almost sounded concerned. “You should go to Dr. T'Perro. Your blood sugar is still high.”

“SAM,” she raised her voice, “we talked about this. I'm fine.”

SAM told her before that she had high blood sugar but she didn't have the time to deal with it. If she did then Lexi will bench her. She can't. Not now. She couldn’t-

Her stomach growled and interrupted her thoughts. “SAM, did the others eat?”

“No Pathfinder.”

Before her feet could reach the Galley she smelled the different wonderful flavours that made it's way to her nose.

“Ah, Ryder,” Drack said. He stood before a steaming pot with hot contents. Ryder couldn’t tell what it was, but judging by the smells it must’ve been delicious. Or she’s just really hungry.

When everybody took some food she squeezed next to Liam in the booth. When he saw the amount of food in her bowl his eyes widened and his eyebrows reached into his hairline.

Ryder didn’t miss his reaction, “Spit it out.” She knew what he was going to say but she needed to hear it.

“You’re going to eat all _that_ ,” he nodded at the direction of her bowl.

“Yeah. “Problem?” she challenged him.

“No,” he looked guilty. “It’s just you never eaent that much.”

She shrugged, “Well, I’m hungry.” She felt more eyes on her food. “I had a long day, alright?” her voice had a bit of a bite into it.

That was a lie. She wasn’t just hungry because it was a long day. She was hungry all the time. It seemed that being thirsty all the time and going to the toilet 100 times a day wasn’t enough. The hunger needed to be added as well.

After dinner, she was still hungry but she didn’t want more eyes on her so she decided to wait for it off. If she was still hungry later she could sneak into the Galley and get a snack.

* * *

They were at the Nexus. The Tempest needed to be checked if everything was still in working order and Ryder wanted to see what new armor and weapons the shop keepers had.

She dressed in her normal casual wear. Her black trousers with her black leather jacket. Something was off though.

Her pants threatened to fall off and her leather jacket was too loose. It didn’t fit perfectly like it used to. She needed to make sure that this wasn’t her imagination.

“Uh, SAM?” she said as she looked in the mirror. “Is it just me or did I lost some weight recently?”

“It would appear so, yes.”

That didn’t make sense. Lately, she ate a lot more. She avoided using her biotics as much as she could. They made her even more exhausted then she felt. She was out of breath faster. If anything she should have gained weight.

“Perhaps you should see Dr. T’Perro,” he suggested.

“SAM,” she was calm. “I’m not going to her because I lost some weight. I’m allowed to lose weight.”

“There is other-“

“I said no!” she snapped. “Look the other…” she searched for the right word but her mind was blank,” …things…,” she knew it was the wrong word but she couldn’t really call it symptoms.  “…are fine. I’m fine. I’ve never been better.”

* * *

Ryder tossed and turned in her bed. She fell asleep early, but that wasn't a surprise to her anymore. She woke up being confused.

She sat straight in her bed trying to recognize her surroundings.

“Pathfinder, should I turn on the lights?” Her heart beat rapidly in her chest. Eyes sweeping the room for clues.

_Where did this voice come from?_

It took her a moment to realize it was from SAM. Relief came over her in a flood.

“Yes thank you, SAM.”

The lights were too bright and it took too many blinks to get used to it. She needed the bathroom. It felt like there was a river in her bladder. Of course, she was thirsty too. She could drink all the drinkable water in Andromeda.

A wave of nausea overwhelmed her. If she laid here for five minutes would it be better?

“SAM,” she knew it was stupid. She shouldn't delay it. She should just get up and drink some water. Now. And not wait. “Tell me when 5 minutes has past.”

Those five minutes took so long to pass yet it wasn't enough. She fell asleep but woke up so many times that she almost thought SAM forgot to let her know.

“Pathfinder,” her eyes shot open immediately, “5 minutes have passed.”

She thanked him and pulled the covers away from her. Sitting up straight she felt dizzy. She counted to 3 a couple of times until she was ready but she never felt truly ready.

Carefully she stood up from her bed. Her vision went dark immediately. She waited a few seconds, although it got better it never return to normal.

As she made her way to the bathroom she clung to the cold walls.

When she was done with the toilet, she didn't have the energy to go to the Galley, so she drank some water from the bathroom sink. She splashed some water on her face. Her blue weary eyes stared back at her in the mirror.

With each step back to her quarters she could feel her stomach complaining. She drank too much water and she knew it wouldn't be long before she would need the toilet again.

“Pathfinder,” SAM said when she slipped back into her covers, “Will you tell Dr. T'Perro about your symptoms tomorrow?”

What did SAM talk about? Her mind raised trying to recall what needed to be done the next day. They would arrive at Elaaden the next day. Among the things Ryder needed to do she wanted to check up on the Outpost.

And then she remembered. She needed to go for her checkup.

“Oh crap,” that was something she really didn't feel like doing. She knew Lexi will have a million questions. “Can't I cancel the checkup?”

“No Ryder,” SAM said firmly. “You cancelled on her last time. Dr. T'Perro said next time she'll take no excuses.”

“Well that's tomorrow's problems,” Ryder said as her head fell heavily on the pillow, “I'll see what happens tomorrow.”

Ryder had no intention of telling Lexi about these so-called symptoms.

Anybody can lose weight.

Anybody can use the toilet a million times a day.

Anybody can be hungry and besides she's a biotic.

It didn't mean anything.

* * *

 

 

“You're late,” Lexi said crossing her arms across her chest.

“I know. I know,” she let out a huge yawn.

Critical eyes scanned Ryder and it made her feel naked somehow. “You just woke up,” Lexi made her conclusion. “You went to bed early. Why are you tired?”

“I'm not tired,” Ryder said too fast. “And how do you know what time I went to sleep?”

“I wanted to come and talk to you but SAM said you were already asleep,” Lexi explained. “Is something going on Ryder?”

“Ryder you should be honest with Dr. T'Perro,” SAM said through their private channel.

“No SAM it's nothing.”

“What's nothing?” Lexi enquired and Ryder immediately realized she spoke the words out loud instead of their private channel.

Ryder sighed. She felt weird giving voice to them, but she didn't see another way out of it. “I have been having these weird…symptoms?” she said unsure. “I don't think I can really call them symptoms. Everybody is sometimes tired. Hungry all the time.”

Lexi grabbed a datapad and made some notes. “Besides being tired and hungry, what other symptoms do you have?” Lexi was serious. She didn't think this was nothing.

“Going to the bathroom a lot. Being thirsty all the time.” Ryder thought back making sure she mentioned everything. “Last night I was nauseous and dizzy.”

“Ryder’s blood sugar has also been high lately,” SAM added.

“Really SAM?” Ryder knew Lexi won't be happy to hear that.

Lexi sighed and rubbed her temple with her hand, “I understand not coming to me with the other symptoms, but high blood sugar? Ryder, you should've come to me. You know better than this,” she scolded.

“I lost weeks Lexi,” she defended herself. “I was worried you would bench me again,” Ryder was honest. “I can't afford to lose more time.”

Lexi said nothing to that and it was impossible to guess what she thought about this. “Any other symptoms?” Lexi looked up from her datapad. “It doesn't matter how small you think it is, it might be something important.”

“I've lost some weight recently.”

Lexi activated her scanner without saying a word. She frowned when she looked at the results. “Yes, you did.” She pointed a finger toward one of the beds, “Whatever you planned for today is cancelled. You'll stay here. In bed,” she ordered.

“Why?” Ryder asked.

“Ryder these symptoms aren't normal.” Lexi placed a reassuring hand on Ryder's shoulder. “We'll find out what's going on.”

 

 

 


	4. Welcome to my new normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is a bit earlier than usual. I'm updating it right now because I started with a new job and I need to change update time. For now, it'll be updated every second Tuesday. So next chapter will be updated on 16 July. Right now it's the best time for me and I don't believe I'll change it soon. But you never know what happens.

Lexi did her tests yet again. She tested her blood sugar. Lexi’s medical scanner couldn’t give them an exact number so the bed scanner needed to be used. After all of the tests were done she placed Ryder on an IV line.

“For what is that?” Ryder asked when Lexi connected the bag with the colourless liquid to her IV line.

Lexi finished prepping the bag, “Just some fluids. It will help with the thirst. This won’t resolve it though.”

“Lexi,” Ryder started unsure if Lexi would even answer her question. “Do you know what this is?” she fiddled with her hands. “I can’t lose this much time again.”

“That’s why we’re looking into this,” Lexi said. She must’ve seen the unconvinced look Ryder gave. “Look, if this is what I think it is then it won’t take that long until we figure things out.” She got a datapad from her desk, if Ryder wasn’t mistaken it was the same one she made notes on. “But, let’s wait for the blood tests and see how it goes.”

Ryder didn’t push Lexi. Lexi didn’t want to speculate, she wanted to look at all of the results of the tests before going further.

Ryder took this time to rest, but it didn’t help as much as she thought it would.

* * *

“I’m a what?” Ryder asked as Lexi handed her a datapad with pages and pages of information.

She blinked a couple of times as the news settled in. It was hard to swallow. Her mind started to race thinking what this would mean for her.

Lexi just told Ryder she was a Type 1 Diabetic. As much as she wanted to deny it she knew it was the truth. It made sense after all. Ryder knew more or less what the symptoms of Diabetics are and now that she thought about it she had most of those symptoms.

“Now that we know you have Diabetes we can treat it. It’s good news,” Lexi assured her, but it was in vain.

Will the Initiative let her stay as the Pathfinder?

A lot of humans knew what Diabetes is. Ryder was one of those people. It was one of those diseases everyone knew about. Everyone on the Tempest crew was healthy. They didn’t have medical problems. If Diabetics maintained their blood sugar levels well they could live a long and healthy life, but she knew even well maintain sugar won’t mean her sugar won’t ever fall or go high.

What would happen if her sugar falls in the middle of a firefight? It’s not like she can stop and eat when it happens. She can screw everything up.

Is this the end of her being a Pathfinder?

She knew that going there was her overreacting, but Ryder couldn’t help it.

It took a while for her to realize Lexi was waiting for her to say something, but she had so many questions she didn’t know where to start.

Instead of asking one of the million questions she had, another question popped inside her head, “How?”

Lexi seemed confused, “How does it work?”

“No,” that wasn’t the most important question. She could ask that later. “How did I became a diabetic? Why? There’s no history of Diabetes in my family,” the gears inside her head worked while she tried to figure this out. Talking helped. It helped her to think more clearly. Sort her thoughts out. “This is something that would’ve been picked up on previous check-ups. So what caused this?”

Lexi immediately got a guilty look. Either Lexi knew what happened. Or she had an idea, no matter how vague it was. And Lexi didn’t need to give voice to that for Ryder to know.

“No,” Ryder bit her lower lip. A lump formed in her throat and when she spoke her voice was shaky from the anger, “The virus,” she clenched her fists so hard her knuckles turned white, “That’s why I’m Diabetic. _He_ did this.” She referred to the Archon, both she and Lexi knew this.

Ryder knew being a Diabetic wouldn’t be the worst thing in the Galaxy. So many people still suffered from it, and luckily with today’s technology, it was easier to be maintained.

Less than two hundred years ago, or more specifically less than eight hundred years ago people had to make use of a test meter to test their sugar and inject themselves. Trying the different type of insulin to find the right one. For some, it took longer than others to find the right one. It was a frustrating progress.

However, today there are implants. These implants give insulin as your body need it. Some people called it a second pancreas, but that wasn’t exactly correct. These people were still Diabetics. This wasn’t a cure, but a way to help maintain it. They still needed to follow their diets. Avoid certain foods. Follow the rules. At times their sugar still got high, still fell. But they have more freedom. Freedom was something people grave. Some even feel they need it.

They tried. They tried finding ways to cure Diabetes. Trying to find a way to make Pancreas implants work, but there were too many complications. They couldn’t find the perfect method. When cloning became a thing they tried to clone pancreases. For a time it gave people hope. Something to believe in. But later their hope was crushed. That wouldn’t work either.

She was angry because without _that_ injection he gave her she wouldn’t lose weeks. She wouldn’t have been delirious before and her brother and Jaal wouldn’t have to see it. Asher would never say it out loud but she knew it freaked him out. Heck, it freaked her out. In a way, she felt like she couldn’t trust herself. After that, she questioned herself so many times.

Did she actually talk to Liam before her mission? Did she set the coordinates for the Nexus? Or does she only thinks she did?

It was driving her mad. Slowly she could start to trust herself again but not 100%. And now this. He gave her Diabetics. Did he do it intentionally? Was this his plan all along? Or was it just a side effect?

“We can’t be certain,” Lexi said. Ryder didn’t know how it was possible but Lexi looked even guiltier. “I’m waiting for the test results, but it’s possible. I’m sorry Ryder.”

“This isn’t your fault,” she couldn’t look at Lexi so she turned her focus to the door. She wasn’t mad at her but Ryder didn’t want to see the guilty look of Lexi any longer. “He did this.”

“If I was faster,” Lexi’s guilt overwhelmed her as she explained, “We could’ve caught it sooner then it wouldn’t have attacked your pancreas.”

Ryder took Lexi’s hand, “You, Harry, and SAM found a cure. You worked your ass off. You refused to give up and for that, I’ll be forever thankful.” Ryder gave her a heartwarming smile, “You’re the best doctor I could’ve asked for. You didn’t do this to me.”

There was a moment where Lexi nor Ryder knew what to say. For that reason Ryder was glad Lexi finally said something, “We'll need to go to the Nexus. I'll call Harry and make the arrangements.”

“Alright,” Ryder stood from the bed, “Are you going to remove the IV line?”

“No Ryder,” Lexi crossed her arms across her chest, “You'll stay here.”

“Fine,” she said reluctantly. “So what now?”

“As I said,” Lexi said, “We need to go the Nexus. They'll have the implant.” Lexi went to the med bay fridge and opened a packet. The object looked like a pen. She pressed a couple of buttons on the pen and approach Ryder.

That’s not what Ryder meant with her question but she decided to let it go. “What's that?” Ryder asked. “I never saw you use a pen before.”

“It's not a pen,” Lexi said, “It's insulin.” That made a lot of sense. Ryder saw some old holos of insulin injections years ago. If she remembered correctly it was for a school project. “I'm going to inject you. Pull up your shirt,” Lexi ordered.

“Shouldn't I do it myself?” Ryder asked as she did what she was told.

“Lucky for you, you won't have to thanks to the implant,” Lexi replied as she injected Ryder.

Ryder expected to feel something. That it would burn as the insulin made its way into her body. But, all she felt was tingle of the needle as it made contact with her skin and smelling something that her nose wasn't used to, it almost had that hospital smell. Then it was over.

“That's it?” Ryder asked. She expected something more.

“That's it,” Lexi confirmed.

* * *

Ryder's sugar needed to be tested hourly which meant she couldn't sleep very well. Her fingers had red marks where a needle made contact with the skin to take some blood. Her fingers hurting when she typed on her omni-tool.

Her brother was very bored on the Nexus. For that reason, he messaged Ryder a lot. He didn't really know people over there. He was lonely and had no one to talk to. She told him that she was a diabetic.

After she lied to him about Dad she decided to keep as few secrets from him as possible. This was a part of her life now. It was her new reality. He was surprised to hear that. The news was unexpected.

Of course, there are a lot worse chronic diseases out there but she knew she wouldn't be happy to hear if her brother had a chronic disease.

Testing her sugar like this would only be temporary. When they arrive at the Nexus an implant will be put in her arm. This was a different implant from the one she and Lexi talked about. Basically, it’ll scan her sugar.

Jaal said he’ll help to upgrade her omni-tool so that the readings of her sugar be read on the omni-tool.

It’ll save her a lot of time and effort in the future. It wasn’t a very long procedure.

It wasn't long before Jaal visited her. “Hey Jaal,” she greeted.

“Ryder,” Jaal greeted back. “Lexi says you're doing fine.”

“Yeah, I'm doing better,” she said.

“I…I didn't know you were sick,” he avoided eye contact. Over the past few months, Ryder learned how to read Jaal. Getting to know him was something different. Every time they spent time together it brought her joy. He was beginning to become something special to her. Which was why she knew he was feeling guilty.

People suspected something was off with Ryder. She was acting strangely but nobody knew something was physically wrong with her. That she was suffering from Diabetes. Not even she.

“It's okay,” she decided her path to approach him, “I didn't know either. It's not your fault and I'm not sick per se,” she corrected him. “Diabetics is a long-term thing. If it's well treated I can live a healthy life. I'm still me. This is just part of my life now.”

“Diabetics,” Jaal tasted the word. “I…don't know what that is,” he admitted. “Does everyone knows what it is?”

“No,” she sighed. “Most humans know about it though. Do you want me to tell you about it?”

“Well… he considered. “If you are comfortable to talk about it.”

“I don’t mind,” she shrugged. “So there are numerous of types but let’s focus on the one I have.” She sat up straight, preparing herself to explain this.

“Hmm…” Jaal hummed. Ryder had a feeling he had a lot of questions. “And they are the same illness?” he asked the first one.

“Humans have an organ called the pancreas. With Type 1 the pancreas stopped working altogether,” she explained.

“What is the purpose of this organ?” he asked.

Ryder thought back to her Biology classes combined with the information Lexi gave her. “A pancreas produces something called insulin.” Before Jaal could ask what that is, she continued,” Think of insulin as a key to the door or maybe…” she stressed her mind for a better way of explaining it. “…a code to open the door. Food needs to reach their destination and without this key or code, it can't.

“Ah,” Jaal understood her explanation. “That's why you are so hungry.”

“Yes!” she exclaimed being happy that she explained correctly.

“So, how do you find this code?” Jaal asked. She could see how his mind worked, trying to find the answers.

“There's this trans-"

They both heard the med bay door sliding open. With it, Lexi appeared. “Ryder we need to talk.”

* * *

As soon as Lexi said they needed to talk Ryder's mind worked overtime. Lexi sounded concern so bad news was the best bet.

“Ryder,” Lexi started, “We have a problem.”

“I kind of figured that Lexi. What's up?”

“I just heard from Harry,” with that Lexi confirmed that this was indeed bad news. “There are no implants.”

Ryder could hear the class of her world shutter. Without the implant how the hell would she function? How would she do her job? What-

_No, I shouldn't overreact. I should hear Lexi out first._

“What do you mean there are no implants?” Ryder finally asked, her voice raising as panic settled in.

“When the Nexus Uprising occurred the implants were destroyed in the process,” every word that Lexi said was a knife to Ryder. “It’s not on their priority list to develop them right now.”

“Because there are more threatened illnesses out there than Diabetics,” Ryder filled in the blank. It didn’t take a genius to come to that realization. It was a reality.

As years went by some illnesses found a cure and other illnesses developed. Like AEND, the disease that killed her mother. Scientists should rather focus on those illnesses. Ryder understood, and years ago people succeeded without the implants. So Ryder could as well.

The problem was life back then and now was not the same. The Galaxy changed. Hell, they aren’t even in the same Galaxy. To go back to an old method was hard.

“We can use what they did years ago,” Lexi said as if she read her mind.

“Lexi I’m the Pathfinder. To go back to an old method,” Ryder shook her head. “It will influence everything.”

“We’ll make it work,” Lexi sounded optimistic and Ryder had no idea how she could. Optimism is the last thing Ryder felt.

Ryder shook her head again but this time in denial. “How will this even work Lexi?” there was a sharp tone in her voice. “Do I inject myself hourly for the rest of my life?”

Lexi wanted to say something but Ryder didn’t give her the chance, “Sure, it’s not as high but that’s because I’ve injected so many times a day. My fingers,” she looked down at them, “has marks because you’ve been testing my freaking sugar every hour.” Ryder was angry and it was the first time she went off like this on Lexi, “I don’t know if I’m reacting this way because I’m pissed or exhausted.”

“Are you done?” Lexi crossed her arms across her chest and looked like the calmest person in the Galaxy. It infuriated Ryder even more.

She looked stubbornly at the door and for the first time without a doubt wished she never decided to come to Andromeda.

She didn’t know how long it was when she sighed, “Yes.”

“You’re angry. That’s understandable. Years ago others made it work. So can you,” Lexi said with all the confidence in the world. “Yes, this is a different world, a different Galaxy. It will take a lot of work, but it can be done. Just give it a shot.”

“So what now?” Ryder asked. Her voice was shaky.

“We’ll still go to the Nexus. We’re almost there,” Lexi started to explain, “I’ll talk to Harry and see which insulin will be the best.”

“Okay,” it’s all that Ryder could think of to say. She was too angry and pessimistic to say anything else.

When she found out about this she was fine with it. The transplant would make things easier. Not fix it, no. She knew even with the implant it would be different. But at least it would’ve been better than this.

After what happened with the virus and now this. She wasn’t sure if the leadership was going to think she would be fit as Pathfinder.

Someone not being able to go on with a fight because their sugar fell was probably not the best person to be the Pathfinder. But Lexi was right as well she needed to try. There was in no way in hell she would let this disease stop her.

* * *

Ryder was sitting on her couch in her quarters. She convinced Lexi to catch up on her reports. It wasn’t something she enjoyed but it helped to kill time.

They already arrived at the Nexus. Ryder is set to meet Lexi and Harry in a few hours. They had things to discuss.

“Pathfinder,” she stopped to hear what SAM had to say, “Mr. Ama Darav would like to see you.”

She frowned. She didn’t know why Jaal would ask permission through SAM. It was no secret that Ryder had an open door policy. “Where is he?” Ryder sat up straight.

“In the tech lab. He said that he wouldn’t want to disturb you if you were busy,” the explanation SAM gave still didn’t bring light to the situation.

“Why would he think he’d disturb me?” Ryder doubted SAM knew but it couldn’t hurt to ask.

“Unknown. Perhaps you could ask Mr. Ama Darav,” SAM suggested.

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” Ryder got up and placed the stack of datapads neatly on her desk. “Tell him to come here SAM.”

“Acknowledge.”

It wasn’t long till her door slid open and revealed Jaal. In his hand was a datapad. She could only guess he wanted to show her something but she couldn’t be sure what it was. Maybe it was a project he worked on?

Jaal always had these side projects and she loved seeing him working on them. It was true that she enjoyed spending time with him, however, that wasn’t the main reason. It was fascinating for Ryder. Seeing how the different parts fit together. Working together.

“What do you have there, Jaal?” she asked.

“I thought we can start to upgrade your omni-tool,” he said.

“Don’t I need the implant first?” Ryder asked trying to understand how this works.

“No,” he got out a datapad that held the schematics. “We can do it now and after your surgery, we can sync the device with your omni-tool.”

“We?” she asked, a smile brightening her features.

“This can be our project together.”

 

 

 

 


	5. Rues, rules, and more rules

Becoming a diabetic was something different than what Ryder expected. There were rules she knew it. But right now the rules started to overwhelm her.

Getting her diet went a bit different than she thought it would go. It wasn’t just the diet itself. It was information upon information about food. How the insulin and the diet worked together and how important it was to follow it.

“What about carb counting?” Ryder suggested.

“Not with this insulin you’re using,” Lexi shot her idea down.

Harry who sat across from them cleared his throat,” Moving on. I’ll send you the body of your diet as soon as we’re done with this meeting.”

Ryder shot him an apologetic look. This wasn’t the first time that she suggested something. She suggesting doing something different with every opportunity she got.

“Ryder,” Lexi said, “It isn’t just about eating healthy.”

Ryder’s only answer was silence. In reality, she didn’t even think about it.

“This insulin,” Lexi eyed the two injections on the desk, “need to work with your food. To get it under control there needs to be a balance.”

She checked the time on her omni-tool, they’ve been here for at least an hour already and that was just to discuss her diet. Who knows what else they needed to discuss? Is this going to take the whole day?

Lexi gave her a dirty look. Ryder only sank deeper into her chair. Was this because she checked the time?

“Remember,” Harry said when Ryder thought they were finally moving past the diet,” this is just an example. Work with what you have.”

 _Because there are so many different foods to choose from in Andromeda_ , she thought sarcastically.

She gave a disappointing sigh. For the last 20 minutes, it felt like they talked around in circles.

“Sure. What’s next?” Ryder asked impatiently.

Lexi and Harry shared an unreadable glance before Harry fiddled with his omni-tool. It wasn’t long until Ryder’s omni-tool chimed. “You’ve sent something?” Ryder asked. The timing was impeccable. She knew it wasn’t a coincidence.

“Open it,” Harry confirmed.

Ryder’s eyes widened as she opened the image, “Why the hell would you send me this?”

On her omni-tool she saw a human male, his body was divided into two. On the one side, his healthy organs were shown, he could use his leg. Everything was as it was supposed to be.

The same could not be said about the other side. There were descriptions on the side telling her exactly what was wrong. His leg was amputated. He had heart failure, and that was just to name a few.

“Diabetics,” Lexi said as she checked the image from behind Ryder’s shoulder. “Uncontrolled Diabetes,” she corrected herself, “can lead to complications. These are just some of the best-known complications.”

Ryder nodded as the news sunk in. She knew Diabetes could have complications but it’s different viewing it from afar. Years ago that wasn’t a reality. Now it was. Worry spread through her like a disease.

How long was her sugar high and she did nothing? Did she damage her body already? Why didn’t she do anything? Why didn’t she do better? She should have known.

But, the past is in the past. Besides her tests came back. Lexi said everything else was normal. But that didn’t mean she won’t have damage in the future. It’s _that_ image that spread the worry.

_I can do this. I can do better._

“Are we done?” Ryder said when she collected her thoughts. She knew the chance was slim. There was a lot to discuss but she wanted to do nothing else than to escape.

“No,” Lexi said. She eyed Harry as if asking him permission,” but we can have a 5-minute break.”

Harry moved his chair back in response.

When Ryder exited Harry’s office for her 5-minute break she felt like she could breathe again. She didn’t know how much of a break she really needed.

This was all getting too real for her. Is this how they did it back then? She was overwhelmed with all of this information.

She didn’t want to follow all these rules. It wasn’t about needing to eat right. It was so much more. Ryder was trapped in an imaginary cage. She felt like she lost her freedom.

* * *

After a long day, Ryder was finally back in her quarters. Some of the so-called new rules she followed were stupid.

“Really?” she questioned as she looked at the new attachment that was sent to her. “There’s a rule against high heels?”

Ryder hated wearing high heels so that rule made no difference to her. It just sounded ridiculous to her.

Both Lexi and Harry wore serious expressions on their faces.

Ryder learned too much information today. Dozens of emails with attachments with the Do’s and Don’ts. Some made sense and some sounded ridiculous. Some things were interesting though. There were types of food she thought she couldn’t eat that she could. That was a relief.

Then there were other types of foods she thought she could eat that wasn’t allowed. There was one perk though: Every now and then she could cheat but not outrageously. For example, she could never eat a whole chocolate on her own. Which was unfortunate. She really loved chocolate.

The way how it melted in her mouth. Savouring the taste. She’ll miss it. Not that it really mattered. Chocolate was very hard to come by in Andromeda.

It was good that they needed to come to the Nexus. Now that she is a diabetic they needed to get supplies specifically for her. She needed to be very careful about what she ate.

She opened up one of the emails again subjected diet. She thought it was absurd that she needed to weigh her food.

Under lunch one of the choices for proteins was 15 g of cheese. Who the hell weighs their cheese?

It wasn’t something she asked at her meeting with Harry and Lexi. But she thought it.

When Lexi saw the look she gave after hearing she needed to weigh her food she said, “Later on you’ll get the feeling off it. You’ll know more or less how many proteins you need to eat without weighing them.”

It also meant that she couldn’t always eat with the Tempest crew. They threw stuff in their food that Ryder wasn’t allowed to eat.

Ryder needed to eat 6 times a day. Test her sugar 2 hours before and after main meals. And inject herself. She had two types of injections. One working long distance and another working short distance.

Ryder lifted her shirt until she could see her tummy. Her index finger touching the red dots that the injections left. It was an odd thing to get used to.

Lexi showed her how to do it. “Don’t I just inject myself,” Ryder asked when Lexi wanted to show her. “Isn’t it as simple as that?”

“Yes and no,” Lexi answered. “I need to show you where you can inject it.”

Ryder’s head hurt with all this new information.

* * *

“Are you ready?” Lexi asked.

Ryder was in a medical gown. In a couple of minutes, she’ll be in surgery to put the implant in so that the device can test her sugar. It wasn’t a very lengthy process and afterward, her finger wouldn’t be pricked anymore.

It wasn’t really painful, at least not the pricking itself. They stopped with the pricking hourly. The red marks on her fingers already starting to disappear. She would like to avoid it though. The implant will make her life easier and she looked forward towards that.

“Yeah,” Ryder said. “So the implant will be in my arm?”

“In your left arm, yes,” Lexi confirmed, moving to her left side. “More at less here,” she showed her.

“And you won’t be doing the surgery?”

“No. Harry will. I will be here when you wake up.”

“Alright. Let’s get this over with,” Ryder said as she laid back onto her bed.

* * *

After Ryder’s surgery, she needed to stay overnight for observation. The next day they synced the implant to her omni-tool. Lexi and Harry ran a couple of tests and everything seemed normal.

She was back on the Tempest. They needed to stay on the Nexus for a few days longer. Ryder had an appointment with Harry in two days. It was just to make sure her insulin was working as it should and that her implant still functioned well enough.

“What’s this?” Ryder asked as Suvi shoved a box in her hands.

“It’s some tea,” Suvi said.

Ryder knew it was meant to explain it but she was still confused. Why would Suvi give her tea?

Everybody knew about Suvi’s batch of tea she had. It was special to her. It was a reminder of the place she left.

“Thank you,” Ryder’s voice came out too high and even to her own ears it didn’t sound like she was grateful at all.

“It’s supposed to be good for diabetics.” Suvi’s actions made more sense. “I thought maybe you could try. Maybe it’ll help,” she seemed unsure if it would really be the case.

Ryder got an uneasy feeling and she couldn’t understand why. She knew the tea wouldn’t help, it’s a discussion she had with Lexi.

Products won’t help. They weren’t insulin, it might be good for you, yes. But it wasn’t a magical cure. It wouldn’t fix all her problems. It will give her supplements that are good for her body, but it wasn’t a replacement. And Suvi didn’t mean this as a supplement.

She knew Suvi meant well. It’s what people do. They try to help and it wasn’t surprising at all that Suvi wasn’t the first person that tried. Ryder already lost her hope on the implant. She wouldn’t dare to place hope, even a little, onto this. She couldn’t offer it.

So Ryder did the one thing she thought was best here. She lied. “Thank you. I’ll give it a try.” Ryder also felt the need to pretend she was interested to make sure Suvi didn’t catch on. “Where did you find it?”

“I didn’t,” Suvi admitted, “Vetra had some contacts.”

* * *

Lexi’s tests confirmed it. The virus attacked Ryder’s pancreas.

 “I’m sorry,” Lexi apologized and Ryder didn’t understand why she did. They talked about this before. If the tests were positive it wasn’t Lexi’s fault. She didn’t inject her, the Archon did.

“Lexi, I told you this isn’t your fault,” Ryder repeated the words she said to Lexi days ago.

Ryder knew Lexi did all she could. This couldn’t have been prevented by her. This was wishful thinking and she should not go on this guilt trip.

“You did all you could Dr. T’Perro,” not even the AI could convince her.

Ryder wished there was something she could say but nothing came to mind. And luckily this wasn’t all that occupied her mind. She and Asher agreed to meet after his therapy session, and of course, after they’d resupply the Tempest they would be off. Ryder would be back being the Pathfinder.

When Ryder arrived at her brother’s bed at the med bay he wasn’t there yet. He must’ve run late. Maybe physical therapy took longer this time.

It wasn’t long before he was strolled in with a wheelchair. It took some time for him to get on the bed with Harry’s help. Unlike last time Harry made his way out of the room leaving them to talk.

“You look tired,” Ryder concluded when she saw her brother’s wary  eyes.

“Physical therapy,” he explained. “You’re leaving soon?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed. “Early tomorrow morning.”

“Where are you going?” he asked, and Ryder had no answer to give.

She was too busy to see what planet needed the Pathfinder’s attention the most. There were still too many tasks that needed to be ticked off. She was planning to decide tonight while enjoying some coffee.

Just before she could answer her omni-tool pinged. She frowned as she read the message. It was from Sloane. Which was surprising because it almost sounded like she wanted Ryder’s help.

“Apparently Kadara is next,” she said distractingly as she exited the message.

“Isn’t that the planet where the exiles are?” Asher wondered out loud.

“Yes, that’s the one,” she said with a sigh. Ryder had no problems with Kadara. It might not be her favourite planet but she didn’t dislike being there. She just didn’t like dealing with Sloane and Kadara’s politics.

Ryder didn’t dislike Sloane. She just didn’t agree with her actions. It was wrong the way she treated her people.

Ryder couldn’t help to be curious. Something big must’ve happened, and Ryder had too many things on her mind to think of what that something must be.

“I heard about the implants,” Asher said out of the blue. Ryder had no idea where that came from.

“What the hell brought this up?” she said before she could stop herself. It wasn’t that he asked but it was the way he brought up the topic. One minute they talked about where the Tempest would go and then this. It was a huge jump.

“No need to be so defensive about it,” he said raising his one eyebrow. From his tone alone she could see how irritated she must’ve sounded. She didn’t mean it like that, it just came out like that.

“I’m not,” she said too fast. “It’s just a big jump.”

“That’s because I could see your head wasn’t here.”

That was true. This wasn’t the first time this happened. Ryder zoned out in conversations many times before. It was something that especially happened when she was too busy. Having too many things that occupied her mind.

“Work,” she murmured. “Anyway, yeah there are no implants but there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?” he asked.

“No.” She wasn’t sure if that was entirely true. She was pretty mad when she got the news, but to be fair it wasn’t something she expected. “It is what it is.”

“Okay,” he didn’t sound very convinced, but he left the conversation there.

Asher had a lot of questions. It seemed like he was interested.

* * *

Jaal and Ryder didn’t have any time to sync the implant to her omni-tool so on their way to Kadara Ryder decided to make it a priority.

She loved seeing other people working with tech it always interested her. There just wasn’t enough space for it. She had other projects. Ryder did try to connect that way with her dad but that didn’t really work.

Years ago Alec Ryder worked with tech. It was a hobby of him and that time Ryder tried to spend time with him that way. But she always felt in the way and not helpful. Every sigh her dad gave just told her that she irritated him and later it felt more like an obligation than anything else. Until she decided to stop trying and wasting her time.

But, maybe this could be different. She already connected with Jaal over tech. She might even learn a thing or two.

He stopped working, “Something on your mind?”

“Just thinking,” Ryder gave him the half-truth. “What do you need me to do next?”

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Back to work

“So what did Sloane want?” Cora asked when she arrived at the meeting room.

They arrived at Kadara not too long ago. Having gotten another message from Sloane that told her she needed to come to her throne room immediately, Ryder decided not to waste any time.

She needed to get back to it. Something was chasing her, she didn’t know what. She needed to do something. That’s the reason she didn’t bother to stop at the markets first. There was still so much to do, and she wasted enough time on a med bay bed.

“We’re going after the Charlatan,” Ryder said, leaning against the railing as if it was no big news.

“The Charlatan?” Cora stood up straighter, making sure that she heard it right. “Do we have a lead on them?” she sounded curious.

Everyone except maybe Lexi and Drack wondered who the Charlatan could be. Was it one person or a group? Why did they keep their identity a secret? What would it say from an organization if its own people don’t even know who the leader is?

Many guesses were thrown around who the Charlatan might be. Some said the change of leadership might be good. Some said it will be worse. At least Sloane shows her face, unlike the Charlatan.

Ryder’s thoughts about the whole situation ran a bit differently. At least she knew a bit about Sloane. Her history. And in a way, she understood why Sloane did what she did. She understood why there were protection fees. Because of Sloane Kadara was free of the kett. That didn’t mean she did agree with her though.

What did she know about the Charlatan? Nothing. If she was honest with herself she didn’t give much thought who the Charlatan might be. Whether it was a person or group. There were much more important things that she thought about.

Ryder always loved to unravel mysteries. Which is why people might say it’s unusual that the Charlatan didn’t interest her. She didn’t know if they would be better suited to rule one day. Luckily the decision wasn’t up to her. Or at least that’s what she thought.

“Kaetus was beaten up by the Charlatan,” Ryder started to explain. “I don’t know all of the details, but there’s a meeting between them and Sloane.”

“And Sloane wants you to go with her,” Cora concluded. It wasn’t hard to guess that was where Ryder was going with this conversation. “What do you need me to do?”

“This can only get worse,” Ryder said what was both on her and Cora’s mind. “I need you to get a second team ready for in case things go sideways.”

Cora nodded, “I thought you didn’t like Sloane, so why are we helping her?”

“I didn’t say that, besides,” Ryder shrugged, “someone important to her getting hurt. She wouldn’t ask for my help if she wasn’t desperate.”

It was no secret that Sloane disliked Ryder. She made that very clear when Ryder met her the first time. Ryder couldn’t care less what she thought about her. She wasn’t there to please people.

Ryder also didn’t share what her opinions are of the Queen of Kadara with Cora.

“I have a bad feeling about this Ryder,” Cora broke her thoughts.

“You’re not the only one.”

* * *

Ryder didn’t know how long they would be busy in the Badlands. It was better to be safe than sorry.

A bag was laying open on her bed.

_Insulin. Take both pens. Open them. Are they enough? Check._

_Snacks. I should probably grab some fruit from the Galley. Is that enough? I should probably take more just for in case. Check._

_Take something for in case my sugar falls. What can work? A Ration bar. Check._

Ration bars was one of the things Ryder wasn’t allowed to eat anymore. But, that made it perfect for when her sugar falls.

It wasn’t the time she needed to test her sugar, but she hadn’t quite gotten the grip of her sugar yet. It was better to be safe than sorry. She activated the implant to do its work, and it wasn’t long until she heard a beep signaling that it did its work.

 _17.5_ blinked red on her omni-tool. 3 colours were assigned to her sugar. Blue meant low, green meant normal, and then of course red meant high. _Crap, that’s high._

At least it wasn’t in it’s 20’s that had to count for something, right? Lexi told Ryder that her sugar should be between 4-8, 5-10 can work too though.

After a sigh she zipped her bag, she was ready for her first mission back.”

* * *

 

Ryder was mad. No one dared to say a word when they got back into the Nomad.

Ryder didn’t know if she made the right choice. Should she have warned Sloane of the sniper? That’s the thing. She didn’t choose, she hesitated, and in that split decision, Sloane was shot.

Ryder rushed to her side looking if she was still alive.

“Dammit,” she cursed as she felt no pulse. Sloane was dead. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked the smuggler. “Did you really need to kill her?”

“You saw the sniper,” he cornered her. “I know you did.”

_Not deciding is a choice as well._

“Not the point!” she snapped. Ryder knew Reyes was right. She could’ve stopped it. So why didn’t she? Why did she hesitate?

Ryder had no problem with Reyes. She knew he was a secretive man, and strangely he admitted to her why he came to Andromeda. She was surprised, not expecting it. She wouldn’t go as far as to say that they were friends. Was that a tactic to exploit her?

“You’re mad?” he sounded surprised.

“Of course I am! You betrayed me. Used me. And for what?”

Ryder and Reyes talked for a while. Well, Reyes talked, she yelled at him. When she had enough she walked. It was better that way.

“So what’s next?” Vetra asked. It came out awkward. Peebee didn’t breathe a word.

“It’s better we leave,” Ryder answered calmly, “It’s better that the Tempest isn’t here when the Collectives take over the Port.”

“SAM,” Ryder talked into their private channel, “Tell everyone that’s not here to get their asses on the Tempest. We’re leaving.”

“Acknowledge.”

“And give Kallo the message too.”

“Do you hear that?” Peebee asked no one in particular.

Ryder frowned as she concentrated, it wasn’t long until she heard it as well. “We need to st-“

The Nomad interrupted Ryder. It wasn’t long until the Nomad refused to move any further.

“Gill just worked on the Nomad this morning,” Vetra reminded them.

“So it’s a trap,” Peebee concluded.

“Yeah.”  _Dammit._ It had to happen today of all days. “Ready your weapons,” Ryder ordered.

* * *

 

“Looks like your Nomad is having problems,” a women spoke from behind Ryder. She turned around with her weapon. A pistol was pointed at Ryder’s face.

Several men and women from different species appeared out of nowhere. Ryder and her team could take them out if they wanted to. The question was if they should risk it or not.

“What do you want?” Ryder sighed. She didn’t have the time or energy for this. “Please, can we drop the shenanigans, and just cut to the chase?”

“I’m not playing games!” her voice was shaky, but that wasn’t the only thing that Ryder noticed. The pistol in her hands was unsteady. She looked nervous. She wasn’t calm. She was afraid. This wasn’t something she wanted to do.

“Pathfinder, should I contact Lieutenant Harper?” SAM talked through their private channel.

“No, I can handle this.” There wasn’t time to explain it to SAM. Ryder couldn’t be distracted. She shouldn’t let any of them know that an AI just talked to her.

“Just talk to me,” Ryder tried to take the calm approach. “What do you need? Maybe we can work something out.”

“You’re a diabetic,” the women said.

Ryder was shocked, whatever she expected it wasn’t this. How the hell did people in Kadara know that? Never mind that. How the hell did people in the Badlands know that? Doesn’t the exiles have no access to the port? And what did Ryder being a diabetic have to do with anything?

“Uh,” Ryder started unsurely. She wasn’t sure what the right approach was. “What about it?” It was better to ask questions.

“I need…” the women’s voice was wavering. “I need insulin.”

Ryder was dumbfounded by the statement and couldn’t help to blink a couple of times. “You need insulin,” she repeated. It didn’t make any sense. Why would a group of exiles want insulin?

“That’s what I said.”

“Why?”

The women let out a sigh. “Pathfinder you’ll come with me. Your friends can stay here with some of mine.”

“Ryder no,” Peebee started to protest. Up until this point, Peebee and Vetra haven’t said a word.

“That’s not up for discussion,” Ryder made herself clear. “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“I’ll give you a moment with your people,” the women said walking away.

“Ryder we can take these people out,” Vetra voiced her thoughts. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Because the only reason they’re doing this is cuase they are desperate,” Ryder said.

“How the hell do you know that?” Vetra whispered. She whispered so loud that it almost wasn’t considered a whisper anymore.

“I have a feeling.”

Peebee rolled her eyes, “You want to do nothing because you have a feeling?” She was annoyed. None of them agreed with her plan. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard pretty stupid things in my life Ryder.”

“Okay. Fine,” Vetra agreed. “But if we see anything and I mean _anything_ out of place we’re going to do something.”

“Alright,” Ryder agreed.

* * *

 

“Is the insulin in there?” the women asked as Ryder got her bag out of the Nomad.

“Yes,” Ryder confirmed. “Care to tell me what your name is?”

“You can call me Erna.”

“Where are we going? What are you going to do with the insulin?” Ryder asked as she followed Erna and her fellow Mercs. They still pointed their guns at her, but the atmosphere changed. Erna knew Ryder was willing to help.

“You ask too many questions. Be patient. You’ll see,” Erna said. Whatever this was Erna wanted Ryder to see. She could’ve easily just taken the insulin from Ryder, but she didn’t. “You have insulin on your fancy ship. Why does it matter?”

“But you’ll show me anyway. Why?” Ryder enquired. “Why not take it and let us go?”

Erna stopped, and the rest with her. “Because…” she hesitated, not sure if she should say the words that were forcing their way out of her mouth. “We need help. _I_ need help.”

They moved forward again. Ryder didn’t say anything, and it wasn’t long until they arrived at a shuttle.

 _I need help_ , she said. It sounded like they needed that insulin. Which means…either Erna or someone important to her is a diabetic. Ryder didn’t think it was Erna. These acts were out of love. She’s doing this for someone.

“Get in,” Erna ordered.

Ryder did what she was told.

“Pathfinder, Lieutenant Harper and the rest are wondering where you are. What should I tell them?” SAM’s voice rang through her head again just before the shuttle took off.

This was because Ryder told SAM to let everyone know they were leaving, and now Ryder was nowhere near or on the Tempest.

She looked over to the mercs seeing if anyone suspecting something was off with her. She didn’t think they suspect anything. A couple of the other mercs were talking to the others. The only person she might need to worry about was Erna that wasn’t leaving her sight from Ryder.

“Tell them I’m just in the middle of something.”

If SAM tells anyone what was happening Cora will get a team and come find them. That will cause trouble for them. It was better to resolve this peacefully.

Things might be okay right now but if Erna suspects anything she might do something. She is doing this out of desperation after all.

“How did you know I’m a diabetic?” curiosity got the better of Ryder. It also helped her to put her focus back to the situation.

In the past, there have been incidents where people realized something was off when she talked with SAM. There was, for instance, the first time she had a meeting with Tann. This was when the Tempest was first assigned to her.

After the meeting, Tann asked her if everything was okay. She needed to be quick on her feet. Ryder made up an excuse saying a lot has happened. This wasn’t exactly a lie, but not the truth either.

The events of Alec Ryder’s death was still fresh in her mind. Everything that occurred on Habitat 7 kept replaying in her mind.

“I have contacts,” the answer broke her thoughts. Ryder knew it wasn’t a lie, but it didn’t reveal too much either.

The rest of the shuttle ride was spent in silence. Ryder stared out of the window trying to figure out where they were going, but this weren’t a part of the Badlands she was familiar with.

“This is the place?” Ryder asked as the shuttle landed. She wasn’t sure how long she was in the shuttle, but she also didn’t bother asking SAM either.

“Let’s go,” Erna said, confirming it.

As they made their way out of the shuttle Ryder studied the place. It looked similar to merc hideouts she’s seen before on Kadara.

She was led inside a small room. Ryder barely got a look of the room before Erna spoke, “That’s my daughter and she’s a diabetic.”

“She’s the one that needs insulin.” It was an obvious conclusion. Anybody could come to this conclusion, but it didn’t make it any less the truth.

* * *

“I don’t understand,” Ryder said as she saw the girl lying in the bed. “Was she recently diagnosed? Is that why she needs insulin?”

The girl was fast asleep, but even in this state Ryder could see how pale and sick she looked.

“You mean why she doesn’t have an implant?” Erna read between the lines.

“Yes,” Ryder said carefully.

Erna took a seat on the bed and brush the girl’s dark hair lovingly with her fingers. “She had one,” she began,” But one day it malfunctioned. I tried getting her insulin but, this is the Badlands afterall.”

That statement said everything Ryder needed to know.

“She’s just a little girl.” It’s all Ryder could think of to say. No words would be enough. She didn’t deserve this. “How’s she doing?”

This broke Ryder's heart, more than it should have. To know the only reason she doesn't have insulin is because of where she is and given circumstances Ryder could've easily been in the same situation.

If by some way Ryder was exiled she wouldn't have access to insulin and without it, she wouldn't be able to survive. For diabetics this is a basic need.

“Every day she gets weaker. She can’t hold her food down anymore.”

_She was slowly dying._

At that moment Ryder didn’t feel sadness. She didn’t feel any sympathy for either of them. She felt anger. It wasn’t fair that things got like this.

Ryder didn’t hear their story. She didn’t know if Erna was exiled to the Badlands because she couldn’t pay her protection fees, or because she stole or even murdered someone. She didn’t need to know about that to be angry.

“Here,” she zipped the back open and gave Erna the two insulin pens. “That one is the short-distance working one,” Ryder pointed one of the pens. “I’ll wait outside.”

She didn’t even know if this type insulin will work for her, but it was better than nothing.

Ryder didn’t know how long she was alone with her thoughts until Erna came out. “She’ll be okay?” Ryder asked. Even though she never talked to the girl she was concerned.

“Yes,” Erna led out a sigh and Ryder didn’t know if it was a sigh of relief or that she had too much on her plate. “This will help…”

“But it won’t be enough,” Ryder said what Erna didn’t. Ryder chewed her lip. She knew she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t help herself either. “I’ll get more,” she promised. She didn’t know how she was going to convince Lexi or what she’ll say to the Initiative when they ask her where all the insulin have gone to, but she knew this was something she needed to do.

Ryder didn’t know if she was doing this for herself, or Erna, or even for that little girl. Her reasons didn’t matter.

“You will?” Erna was surprised, and Ryder couldn’t blame her either. If the last few months were any indication then Erna didn’t get much help. Every man for himself. That’s how things went on Kadara.

“Yes.”

If Erna worried what Ryder was getting out of this she didn’t say anything.

* * *

“You did what?” Peebee asked when they were in the Nomad again.

Ryder pushed the accelerator harder, trying to get faster out of there. “I gave my insulin to them.”

“That was stupid,” Peebee said.

“What was I supposed to do? Leave them like that?” Ryder could feel how the anger was threatening to come out. “She can’t function without it. Who knows how long they struggled like this.” The unspoken words were there. _This isn’t right_. Then another thought came to her. _I need to talk to Reyes._

That was the last thing she wanted to do. She was still mad at him. She wasn’t mad because he killed Sloane. She was angry because of the way he did it. How he used her.

_He could’ve asked for my help._

But, that wasn’t something he would do. And if she was completely honest with herself, even she didn’t know where her alliances laid.

* * *

Ryder took the first sip of her bitter coffee.

_Yuk! Will I ever get used to this?_

Ryder tried this Galaxy’s version of sweeteners in her coffee but for some reason she couldn’t stomach it. Bitter coffee wasn’t exactly tasty either, but it was better.

She couldn’t get Sloane out of her mind. The reality was Sloane’s ending was so sad. Even after everything she has done she deserved better than this.

“Ryder, SAM said you wanted to see me?” It took Ryder a moment to realize that it was Lexi that spoke. She didn’t even hear her entering the Galley. “How’s your coffee,” she asked as she sat opposite from Ryder.

“Disgusting.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

“Is there a way that we can get more insulin,” she leaned forward. Her words almost a whisper.

“Why?” Lexi frowned suspiciously. “We have enough.”

“I know.”

Ryder and Lexi started at each other. Everyone knew what had happened the day before. Ryder knew she wouldn’t need to spell it out, Lexi already gave her a piece of her mind for giving her insulin out to strangers like that.

“You can’t Ryder.” The switch went on in Lexi’s head.

“Lexi she needs it. I have to.”

Lexi sighed. “What are you going to tell the Initiative?” Ryder still hadn’t come up with an answer for that.

“I told them I would,” Ryder said, she referred to the promise she made Erna. She knew making promises like that wasn’t very wise.

“You shouldn’t have,” Lexi made her point. “Look-“

A ping from Lexi’s omni-tool interrupted them. She blinked a couple of times as she read whatever had her attention.

“What is it?” Ryder asked slowly. Her heart beating faster as she saw Lexi’s expression. It looked important.

“It’s about the virus.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Settling Things

Ryder was thankful for getting any new information about the virus but somehow this wasn’t enough. This was more complex than she thought it would be.

The main problem was they didn’t understand 100% how this virus worked.

The virus affected each species differently and just because they got the same injection that Ryder has, it didn't mean they'll necessarily get some version of the virus. It was something in the injection that caused it.

The main problem was they didn't know exactly what _that_ ingredient was.

“So we still have nothing,” Ryder said. It wasn't a question, it was a conclusion.

“Not nothing,” Lexi disagreed. “A start.”

The conversation that was interrupted mere minutes ago was already forgotten. Lexi had a point. The information they got was something, but she couldn't do anything with it.

Ryder needed to know if this virus could somehow affect other organs too. She wanted to spare others this. But she couldn't do it with the information they had. She couldn't do anything with it.

“There's nothing I can do with this,” Ryder said with a show of her hands. “It wasn’t yesterday I had the virus.” The way Ryder said this it sounded like she was talking about years not months. But this was important and she needed to do something about it. There needed to be a reason why she got it, and if she couldn’t help others she got it in vain. It would mean something if she can use this for the greater good.

“It's a long process.” It’s all that Lexi said and it's all that she needed to say for Ryder to move on.

“Okay,” Ryder agreed, but not without adding something she thought might help them. “After Meridian, I want Suvi's help on this,” she stated.

Suvi did lend her help with this, and her output has helped a lot. But she couldn't give enough of her attention. They couldn't afford to. Even Ryder needed to admit that Meridian was more important than this.

It was their chance. Maybe even the only hope they have right now.

“Did you speak to her about it?” Lexi asked. Ryder expected for her to give her opinion on it, but that's not what Lexi did.

“Not yet,” she admitted. “There’s too much going on.”

“Talk to her before you decide anything.”

That ended the conversation, for now. Ryder knew she would need to come back to this.

* * *

After Jaal got the news that his siblings joined the Roekaar he wasn’t his old self, and Ryder couldn’t blame him. He was stressed. And where he always had a lot to talk about, right now he barely spoke a word.

Ryder wasn’t good at comforting other people, so she did the next best thing. Or at least the first thing that came to mind. She made sure they were ready for the mission. She went over it with Jaal, until the plan was burned into their minds. It was as perfected as it possibly could be with the information they had in hand.

That night when she got to her desk SAM reminded her of the dozens of unread messages she had. Some of them were from Reyes. She couldn’t ignore him forever, especially if she needed his help. She just needed some time before speaking to him.

That was something people didn't always get. When someone made her mad she sometimes needed some space, to think things through. She needed to know where she stood with the person. It doesn't help if that person tries contacting her over and over again. Sometimes it can only make things worse.

Another email was from Keri, asking for an interview. She heard Ryder became a diabetic and wanted to ask her a couple of questions.

At this time most people probably knew she's a diabetic. It was starting to get more public news. Which is why Keri wanted a meeting soon as possible.

It was something she and the leadership talked about. She didn't want it to be public knowledge. She didn't want to voice her reasons, but she was worried that people will look at her differently and would think she wouldn't be able to do the job.

Ryder could see it already in their eyes, the way the leadership looked at her. She hated that look. It made her want to jump outside of her skin.

The whole leadership thought it would be better if the public knew. Better to not have any surprises. And after what happened at Kadara with Erna and her people they made their final decision which meant Ryder had no say.

She had no say in what people knew about her health and she was exposed. She felt uncomfortable and naked. _It's none of their business._

Why did they need to know? _I could've hidden it away. It would've been better._

She also knows from experience things like this don't stay hidden for ever. One way or another it would've gone out. But having people not knowing for a little while longer would’ve been nice. Or at least it would’ve helped if the information got out on her terms.

“Pathfinder I detect high blood sugar,” SAM said out of nowhere.

That made her recall her symptoms. She felt nauseous. Her mouth was dry. It felt like she hadn’t drank a thing all day which was not true.

Ryder kept a bottle of water with her all day, every day. She tried to keep up with the 8 glasses a day rule, and she has already drunk the amount she needed to do. She tried to follow the rules as best as she could, but it wasn't enough.

With a sigh, she activated her omni-tool and tasked the implant to do what it was designed to do. It took mere seconds for numbers to spit up. _28.6_ Blinking in red, reminding her that it was indeed very high.

Great. This is just great.

In all honesty, Ryder couldn’t understand what she did wrong. She took her assigned insulin when she should. So why did it keep being high like that?

Lexi’s word rang in her head. _“This will take time. You need to be patient. We first need to see if this is even the correct type of insulin for you.”_

_Alright, I just need to be patient. That's simple, right? Just trial and error._

She got her short-distance working insulin out and injected the amount she needed to. 20 Units.

* * *

“We should let Lexi look at that,” Ryder eyed Jaal’s new scar.

Ryder was glad they could get Jaal’s siblings out of there. It was worth it. That didn’t mean she was happy that Jaal got shot. She had to stop herself for not shooting Akksul before he pulled the trigger.

All of this was so unnecessary. They should’ve teamed up together, and fight the kett. But instead they are fighting each other, and in the end, it only makes things harder.

She heard Akksul’s story. How he was captured by the kett and the Resistance couldn’t have rescued him. That is horrible, and she couldn’t begin to imagine what he must’ve been through. In a way, she understood why he formed the Roekaar. However, this didn’t make it any less unnecessary.

Jaal’s nod interrupted her thoughts.

“We’ll talk later.”

Jaal didn’t need immediate medical attention but Ryder needed to think. So, she pushed him away.

The shuttle ride back was long and an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air.

When they arrived at the Tempest Ryder gave Jaal and Lexi some time before dropping by. When the doors opened she saw that Lexi was alone.

“You’re finished with Jaal?” Ryder asked. She knew they were and that was why she waited this long before coming.

This was where this was headed to. She avoided Jaal.

She started to feel weird as if something wasn’t right but she couldn’t put her finger on it. For now, she decided to ignore it. There were some tasks at hand she needed to complete. 

 “Yes, I gave him something for his wound,” she confirmed. Lexi stared at her for a long time. It felt too long, “Are you okay? You look white.”

White as in pale. That is what Lexi meant. It took Ryder a while to consider what Lexi said and then another while for her to figure out why it took her so long.

“I…” she started but the words in her head didn’t make sense. She blinked a couple of times trying to make sense of things but that didn’t help either.

SAM said something and then Lexi replied but she couldn’t understand what they were saying. She frowned trying to understand. Did they say I should test my sugar?

“Ryder,” Lexi said slowly. “You should check your sugar.”

Ryder considered it. Why was it so hard to think straight? It took her way longer to process it.  Whatever this feeling was she didn’t like it. Thinking isn’t supposed to be so hard. “Okay,” she said after what felt like a lifetime. The words tasted funny in her mouth. Shaky hands reached for her omni-tool to do something she’d done many times during these last few weeks.

 It was imprinted in her head, but this time it was hard to focus. Activating her omni-tool alone took her twice as long as it usually does. When she was done the numbers flashed in blue. “2.7,” Ryder was puzzled. “It doesn't make sense.”

It didn’t make sense in the way that it was high earlier. If she remembered correctly it was 17.8 earlier so what the hell happened? How did it get so low?

This wasn’t the first time Ryder’s sugar fell, but this time it was different. It was as if a shuttle went down at an enormous speed and crashed. She didn’t feel the signs that her sugar was falling sooner. She felt the signs and symptoms altogether, and the feeling wasn’t particularly great.

“Sit,” Lexi ordered, “I’ll get you something to eat.”

It felt like Lexi was away for hours where she was gone for only a few minutes. Ryder felt like she could eat all the food in the galley and then some. She felt awful. Ryder tried to wait patiently, but it almost felt impossible. “You know what? I’m starting to hate you,” she whispered to her pancreas.

She thought SAM would say something. Who talks to their organ? But luckily he didn’t, and for that she was thankful. Ryder didn’t even know why she did it, but at that moment it felt like the most natural thing in the Galaxy.

“Here you go,” Lexi appeared with a steaming mug of coffee and a ration bar. “I put some sugar in your coffee. It’ll help.”

“Thanks,” Ryder said as she accepted it. She ate the ration bar. Savouring the taste of it. Afterward, she drank the sweet coffee. Ryder couldn’t believe how much she missed sugar in her coffee.

Lexi took the empty wrapper and mug from Ryder and placed it on the desk. “Let’s talk.”

 _Lexi. I don’t want to talk about this_ , right now, she wanted to say. But Ryder knew it was best to get this out of the way. Some remnants of a low sugar were still in her system and Ryder got the feeling it’ll feel like that for the next couple of hours.

“Do we have to?” It wasn’t any better if she was honest with herself.

“What happened?” Lexi asked as if Ryder didn’t speak.

“Do you want a report on the mission? Physically, what happened at any other mission,” Ryder sounded unsure even to her own ears. Not because she was unsure over what happened at the mission, but more about what Lexi meant.

“Did you move more? Was there more action? Did you use your biotics?” Lexi ticked the questions of that was swimming around in her head. She asked them so fast that Ryder didn’t have a chance to speak in between the questions.

“That’s difficult to say…” Ryder said slowly. It wasn’t just difficult but impossible to say. She didn’t realize which missions she used more energy than on others. That wasn’t the focus of it. Who did that? “Wait…” Ryder frowned. She didn’t think about it before but it would make sense. Biotics eat more than others. That would also mean… “My sugar might fall because of my biotics.”

“Yes, and stress,” Lexi confirmed. “I’ll suggest you take it mission for mission and we can adjust your insulin as needed.”

“Sounds good.” This was a whole new learning experience for her.

* * *

“How’s the wound?” Ryder asked when Jaal looked up from his work.

He didn’t shift when Ryder came in the Tech lab. Whatever he worked on had his full attention, but he didn’t look startled either.

“Ryder, I was just finishing this,” he explained.

Ryder didn’t know if he explained it because he didn’t greet her when she entered the room or if it was because they didn’t talk sooner. It didn’t matter to her. If anything it was her fault they didn’t talk sooner.

It was only a couple of hours since they came back from the mission, but it still felt like a long time. The hours dragged on slowly. She could’ve talked to him after she was done at the med bay, but she felt drained. That low took all the energy she had left and all she wanted to do was to go to bed, but she knew she shouldn’t. So she worked on some paperwork. She wasn’t very productive but every little counts. Or at least that’s what she told herself.

“It’s fine,” she assured him. “I can come back later.”

“No,” Jaal said quickly with no hint of hesitation. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

It didn’t take a genius to know what Ryder wanted to talk about. It wouldn’t help to just ignore it. It was what she would’ve done in the past. Ryder wasn’t exactly sure how she felt. Was she angry? Was she upset? No, upset wasn’t the right emotion. 

Jaal asked her to trust him. To trust him as if he was the one holding the gun and not Akksul. As if Jaal could just magically stop the bullet. How Ryder saw things, Jaal was lucky. But how could he act as if this was nothing? As if he wasn’t shot? Akksul went too far and things could’ve been so much worse.

“You could’ve died.” _That was probably not the right approach_ , Ryder thought when it was too late. She sighed, using the time to collect her thoughts. “Why would you let him shoot you? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Without it-“ Jaal started to say but Ryder interrupted him.

“No don’t.” she raised her hand, signaling Jaal to stop his argument. “You must’ve known the chances for something like this happen was next to zero.” She referred to his newly found injury.

“If I didn’t the Roekaar would’ve been stronger.”

This annoyed Ryder. It’s the excuse he used on the mission as well.

“There must’ve been a better option than getting shot.” Ryder couldn’t understand Jaal’s reasonings.

“And what would you have done?” he threw the question at her. Of course, he would. He wanted to know what choice she would’ve done that was better than his. To understand her side of the argument.

“Not this,” she said before any ideas could come to light. “I wouldn’t get intentionally shot for maybe things would be different.” She didn’t know if that was true or not. The words slipped before she could think any better. 

Jaal sighed being frustrated with this conversation. It was going nowhere, “The important thing is that I didn’t get killed.”

Jaal was right, and she knew it. But it still bothered her. She didn’t feel any better over the situation but decide to let it go. “Next time we do things together,” Ryder said. She didn’t know how that would even work, but standing together could only benefit them in the end.

* * *

Ryder met Jaal’s family. It was… something else. She felt out of place. Overwhelmed with how large Jaal’s family was. She didn’t know what she expected.

He talked about his family before so she should’ve expected this. For a couple of moments, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She needed out. Needed fresh air.

They were nice. They said they heard she’s a diabetic, like Jaal they tasted the foreign word. It was alien to them, and why wouldn’t it be?

They gave her food, said they tried to get the ones she was allowed to eat. But…unfortunately, it wasn’t. Ryder couldn’t tell them that even though it’s possible that it doesn’t contain sugar it doesn’t mean she’s allowed to eat it. It was still unhealthy.

So Ryder ate it. She was picky, choosing the foods that looked the healthiest. When they said she should eat some more she complimented the food but said she couldn’t possibly eat anymore even if she wanted to. Which wasn’t true. But she couldn’t tell them the truth.

She was already going to have to pay the consequences of her actions, better to stop right now.

Not long after dinner Ryder and Jaal went to his room. They spent time together. And at that time they got to know each other even better than they have before.

Jaal showed her things he took apart to see how it works. He showed her projects. She was honoured that he would share these things with her. Then they talked about their relationship. Jaal wanted to be together… and Ryder might not have realized it with everything that was going on but she wanted that as well.

Ryder was happy they had this talk. It was important and it turned out it’s what she needed. They spend the rest of the night talking about Andromeda and what the future might hold.

It was a vague future, but a future indeed.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just want to give a heads up. These last couple of months I've really struggled with my diabetics and unfortunately, it started to influence my writing. There's only one written chapter left, and I haven't even started to edit it. I hope to catch up soon, but if not I might need to stop posting for at least a couple of weeks until I wrote some new chapters. If anyone has some questions or want to come and say hi, I'm on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwarrior4824.tumblr.com/).


	8. What is this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW ketones  
> TW vomiting

Ryder’s omni-tool went off, signalling it was time for Ryder to get up. Even though the sun didn’t shine directly through her window the light was too bright.  

Ryder got up from her bed reluctantly. She found that she had no energy. Her head felt hot, and no matter how long she stood still the room wouldn’t stop spinning. Her head felt too heavy.

She had no idea how she got to the bathroom but afterward, she found that all she wanted to do was to climb back in bed and never get up again. She should care, she had a list of things to do but she didn’t have the energy to do them. Even thinking of them made her head hurt. It’s funny when you have the energy you don’t appreciate it. People think it’s something you’ll always have. But lose it, really lose it and then see how much you’ll miss it.

It’s not something she thought about a lot. When she was sick with the virus she felt a loss of energy. Everything being taken away. That was the first time. This one was different though. She felt jealous of people that have energy. And strange enough yesterday she did have it. What changed? Why did she feel so awful?

Was it because of her sugar? Last night SAM warmed her about high sugar but she injected extra so it should’ve been okay, right? It still didn’t make any sense. She never felt this awful in her life before.

Sure she got sick with the virus, but that was different. She couldn’t explain it, not even to herself. Maybe it was different because it was two different conditions.

Just as she went outside the bathroom she was hit with a wave of nausea. She hoped it wouldn’t be necessary but Ryder knew this type of nausea. It was the type where you knew you would throw up, no matter what you tried. “Where can I find a bucket SAM?”

“You should ask Dr. T’Perro.”

_Of course._

Ryder hanged on the wall of the med bay for a couple of seconds for control before knocking. “Come in,” a voice said that could only belong to Lexi.

“Where can I find a bucket?” Ryder asked, being aware of how strange her request might sound, and it was better if Lexi didn’t know why.

“Morning,” Lexi greeted, clearly being in a better mood than Ryder. “Why do you need a bucket?”

“Can you just tell me where to find it?” Ryder’s tone was more irritated than she intended.

“Here you go,” she grabbed one under her desk and gave it to Ryder but didn’t precisely let go of it. “Is everything alright?”

She didn’t intend to ask why there would be bucket under Lexi’s desk. “Yes, everything is fine.” Ryder didn’t make eye contact. It was better not to. Fortunately Lexi didn’t ask why she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and it was obvious that Ryder slept in them.

Lexi gave her a glance that wasn’t very convincing but she loosens her grip on the bucket and Ryder took it to her room.

Ryder didn’t even have the energy to pick up her feet and she dragged her feet with her to her quarters. She thought getting back to bed and falling asleep would be easy but, it wasn’t.

As she laid in her bed her stomach felt… she wasn’t entirely sure what, all she knew was that whatever she was feeling wasn’t normal. She could feel how the colour was draining from her face. Each second that ticked by she felt worse and worse.

The bucket stood directly next to her bed, she could reach it if she wanted to. Ryder didn’t know if she had the energy though. For the second time she hoped she wouldn’t need to use it.

“Pathfinder,” Ryder closed her eyes knowing whatever SAM would say she didn’t want to hear. “You have a meeting with Kerri T’Vessa in 3 hours.”

Ryder groaned, realizing that it had completely slipped her mind. She rubbed her eyes with the palm of her hands. “I’ll just…sleep for a little bit…just a few minutes.”

_Maybe I should skip breakfast._

She already knew how SAM and Lexi would react to that. They would tell her how important it is, but she was too nauseous for breakfast. She was so thirsty. All she wanted was water. But she knew she shouldn’t. It was more in the line of she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it down.

Ryder thought SAM would say something, and she knew for a fact he didn’t say another word because falling back asleep wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be. She felt too horrible. Keeping her eyes closed made her focus on how bad she felt, and keeping her eyes open wasn’t any better. It wasn’t long before fear crept in. She was afraid, but she wasn’t sure of what. Each passing second she felt worse. Somehow Ryder knew this was because of her. It was her own fault.

When she finally fell back asleep it wasn’t the sleep she needed nor wanted. Every few minutes she woke up and every time she fell back asleep it happened faster and faster.

“Ryder,” SAM said when she was in-between consciousness, “I’m detecting an abnormal pH in your bloodstream.”

Ryder laid there waiting in her bed for SAM to say anything else but he didn’t. An abnormal pH didn’t sound good. She sat up straight eyeing her desk where her insulin and omni-tool laid.

She knew she should tell Lexi, she’ll know what to do. But she could figure this out herself. She should test her sugar and inject herself. That’ll fix the problem, right?

She counted to three slowly, summoning all the energy she could. Getting out of the bed was hard. The little she could sleep didn’t help, she felt even worse.

When she arrived at her desk she used it as support while grabbing her chair to sit down. She fumbled with her omni-tool, putting it on her arm and activating it. She tried to focus, but it was hard. Her vision swam in front of her but finally, she scanned her sugar. The numbers _29.8_ blinked in red.

_Yup. That’s very high. Not surprising at all._

She knew with doctor visits Lexi will have access to her implant to see what her sugar was.

_Well. Lexi is going to kill me._

But, that was later worries. Right now she needed to focus on feeling better. She injected herself, holding the insulin pen in her tummy for a couple of seconds and crawled back to bed. It wasn’t long until she fell asleep again.

When she woke up again Lexi was beside her bed. Ryder frowned, “Lexi, what are you doing here?”

“SAM told me that there is an abnormal pH in your bloodstream,” Lexi explained.

Ryder couldn’t understand why but somehow she felt like SAM betrayed her. She was handling it, so why would he do that?

Maybe it was because he didn’t tell Lexi about the high blood sugar before she was diagnosed that she thought he wouldn’t tell her about this. That wasn’t exactly true though. SAM did tell Lexi when Ryder had her doctor’s appointment, but at least he didn’t tell her immediately.

“I’m handling it,” Ryder’s tone had a mix of grogginess and irritation to it.

“He also told me about _that_ ,” there was an urgency in her voice. “An abnormal pH is dangerous Ryder.”

“That’s why I’m handling it,” she mumbled. Ryder wasn’t sure if Lexi heard her or not. Ryder just wished that she would leave her alone.

But that was too much to ask.  

“Let’s get you to the med bay,” Lexi said the words that Ryder dreaded.

“Please don’t,” Ryder pleaded, “I hate it there.” This was the first time Ryder told Lexi that. It wasn’t that she hated the med bay there itself but it was the fact that the noise the monitors made bothered her. Each beeping noise irritated her and it reminded her that she was in the med bay. It felt like a prison.

“You’re going,” Lexi was strict. “You need an IV and I’ll have to test you for ketones.”

Lexi and Harry talked to her about ketones, but it’s possible that the subject went way over her head. All she could remember was that ketones were dangerous for her and something about glucose in urine.

Lexi and Harry talked about so many things that she was bound to forget some of it.

Before she became a diabetic she didn’t know a lot about ketones. Just bits and pieces. If she was honest with herself it wasn’t very important information to her… that was until today.

Usually, when Lexi mentioned any tests that she needed to do on Ryder she never specified what could be wrong. Before being diagnosed with Diabetes she didn’t even say or hinted that Ryder might be a diabetic. And thinking back, all the signs of Diabetes were there. Lexi is never wrong. At least not if it comes to medical.  

With a lot of effort Ryder made her way out of bed. “What about my meeting with Kerri?”

“Ryder,” Lexi said, being very serious. “Your meeting was 2 hours ago.”

“Why didn’t you say anything SAM?” Ryder questioned out loud. There was no need to talk through their private channel. Besides she was too mad at SAM.

“I did mention it,” he began to explain, “but you rolled to your other side and fell asleep. So I cancelled the meeting.”

Ryder should thank him or at least apologize. She honestly didn’t remember that he said anything. But right now she wanted space from him.

_As if that’s possible dumbass._

Overall Ryder was very thankful for SAM. When her dad developed him she wasn’t very sure what to make of the AI. Ryder thought it was very stupid of him to focus all of his time developing _him_ instead of spending time with his terminal ill wife. But then again, Ryder didn’t always understand the reasons behind her dad’s actions. If there ever was any.

But, these last couple of months Ryder and SAM made some kind of bond. In reality, she didn’t know what she would have done without him. He was important to her.

This wasn’t the first time she was mad or frustrated or even irritated with him, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last time.

Ryder understood why he went to Lexi. But then again, why did he now and not the previous time?

The hallway down to the med bay felt impossibly long. Was it always this long? Wasn’t it always shorter?

That wasn't the only thing that seemed different. In a short period this would be Ryder's third time she got an IV, and this time it felt like it took Lexi longer to do so. The needle took longer to make contact with her skin. The bag of fluids took longer to be connected. And when it was all set up it felt like the fluids didn't make a difference.

As time went by Ryder only felt worse.

* * *

Sleeping made everything better. It was true, she still felt horrible when she tossed and turned in the uncomfortable hard bed, but in that time she could forget even for a little bit about her nausea. She could forget how tired she was and how she had no energy. Sleep brought peace. And right now Ryder enjoyed that peace.

Lexi did the tests, and even though Ryder knew it would be positive for ketones there was a small part of her that hoped it would be negative. The whole time from they left her room to coming into the med bay to Lexi prepping everything and doing the test she explained how dangerous ketones are. How Ryder is destroying her body by doing this.

_Doing what?_

As if she’s enjoying feeling like this? Because she isn’t. She hated it.

The truth was Ryder's sugar wasn't where it was supposed to be. If she thinks back maybe she should've tried harder. Fought harder. Deny the food she wasn't allowed to have better.

She should’ve been honest with Jaal's family. She should have told them their gesture was kind but unfortunately she isn't allowed to eat all of those food.

But right then and there she couldn't get it over her heart to do it. Why was it like that? Why couldn't she be better with this?

Look who's paying for the consequences now. Not them. Nobody but Ryder. And as much as she wants to say it's not fair the reality is, it is fair. She is sitting with an illness not _them_.

Lexi talked to her and explain how they would treat this. The plan was to test her sugar and ketones hourly and take insulin depending on how it looks. Usually, she would need to drink water as well but the IV took care of that, so at least she didn't need to worry about that. Ryder still felt like she couldn't stomach water even if she tried.

Ryder was awoken by the peeping of the medical equipment. She shifted her head and saw that Lexi was busy with work on her desk. Another hour couldn’t have passed yet because Lexi didn't do another test yet. Her omni-tool was next to Lexi.

When they test Ryder's sugar she can activate her omni-tool but Lexi confiscated it afterward.

This time she felt even more nauseous than before. Her stomach growled. Screaming that it was hungry and wanted some food. She had the oddest feeling in her stomach. If she would explain it people would think that she is crazy. It was like she could feel her stomach eating itself. Her body was so hungry, not having access to any food. It was a horrible and scary feeling.

It made her remember what Lexi said once. It was when she explained the damages her body can do to itself. She bit down her lip as the fear settled in again.

_I don't want to die._

No matter how many times Ryder was injured or how serious it was, she was never this afraid. This was a type of fear she have never experienced before. It was as if what she felt before wasn't fear and she just discovered it.

_I don't want to die._

Ryder felt like quitting. She wanted a break from all of this. She wanted to run away and never look back.

She was weak. Where others were in worse situations or experienced this for years Ryder wanted to give up after not having this _thing_ for a year? That's weakness.

But… even if she wanted to quit, it was impossible. This was a thing she couldn't escape. Where ever she goes her broken pancreas will go with her. It needs her to take care of it.

_It was just so damn hard._

This was only the beginning.

Her stomach twisted and turned uncomfortably. Ever slow movement was torture for it. She stretched her arm, trying to reach the bucket. Ryder haven't realized when Lexi arrived at her side with it. She didn't care.

Ryder hanged with her head on the bucket leaning her hands on it as if by some way it would give her the strength she so desperately craved. Her stomach clenched as she could feel the contents trying to escape. The bucket already smelled like vomit.

Ryder wished it would just get out. Maybe she'll feel better then. Maybe her energy will return.

It took a while but when she started to vomit, it was bitter…and unpleasant. It was like a dam that broke loose. At the end of it, tears were escaping the corner of her eyes.

She breathed heavily once she was done.

_In. Out. In. Out._

_I'm tired._ It's all she could think of as she waited for sleep to come.

* * *

In total it took 2 days for the ketones to be resolved. Lexi didn't allow any visitors for that period. Ryder didn't complain though, she took that time to sleep. At the end of the two days she felt like she hadn't slept at all.

Even though the ketones left her body the effects didn't. At least not completely.  Her body needed some time to recover. When she could finally stomach her food she enjoyed it. She liked the food she usually disliked.

It was the best damn meal she had in Andromeda.

Although Ryder's ketones were sorted Lexi wanted to keep her for another day. She protested against it but like always Lexi didn't take no for an answer.

Luckily for Ryder, she got access to her omni-tool. Lexi hesitated when Ryder asked. The answer “no" was on her lips but luckily Lexi said it was okay.

“Tann wants to talk to you,” Cora said when she came to the med bay for a visit.

Ryder knew what it was about. It wasn't surprising at all that Tann would want to see her. She was beginning to be a liability for the Initiative.

“I'll talk to him,” Ryder sighed.

“You know what it's about?” Cora asked.

Usually, Cora wouldn't ask, but maybe she did this time because of the way Ryder has said that. Clearly she didn’t know the nature of this meeting.

“I've been away too long and many times in a short time,” she explained.

Instead of disagreeing, Cora said, “It's hardly your fault.” Ryder didn’t know if she believed her.

“No, it is,” Ryder said. She needed to be honest with herself and her team.

She didn't ask why and for that Ryder was very grateful. Ryder didn't have the energy to explain it. “The leadership have to understand.”

Ryder shrugged, “I get it.”

“You do?” she questioned.

“We can't say the leadership should do what is best for the people and then do the opposite,” Ryder said. Cora only frowned and she took the opportunity to explain further. “Someone who is absent the whole time can't do the job properly. I’m not the best for the people.”

 _I shouldn’t be Pathfinder._ Ryder didn’t dare to say the words out loud, but they floated in the air.

“And you're doing it properly but,” Cora said firmly, “If you need help from us we'll help you.”

“Thank you, Cora, I appreciate it.” This was the first time she felt she had Cora’s support in this.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have decided to take a break from posting for a while. I'm not sure for how long but I'd love to catch up with this fic, write some more chapters. As well as focus on other projects.


	9. Endless Appointments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with a new chapter. Sorry I took so long, I didn’t intent to wait this long to post. But I have great news. This fic is finished written. I just need to edit the rest. I just needed some time before posting again. 
> 
> I’m not entirely happy with this chapter, but I hope you’ll enjoy it. 
> 
> TW talk of vomiting

“Hey,” Ryder said as she sat down on the chair.

  
Since the Tempest was still on the Nexus, she decided to make use of her time and visit her brother. Even though they communicated it wasn’t a lot. There were too many things that called for Ryder’s attention. Too many things she needed to tick from a list. 

  
There was silence for far too long. She felt her brother's eyes on her and it made her uncomfortable. It was as if he knew what occupied her mind. Asher was one of the people she wanted to meet up with but couldn’t because of her ketones, but that also meant that SAM had to contact her brother and cancel it. 

  
It made things between them weird. Ryder never saw these visits between her and her brother as work. The only reason SAM cancelled it was because Ryder told her brother she would come and when she remembered about it, it was already too late. When she told that to Lexi SAM told her he already took care of it. Maybe that was the reason things were weird between the two of them.  

  
Ryder didn’t know what she would’ve done without him. SAM not being in her head was something she couldn’t imagine anymore. 

  
“You look tired,” he observed. 

  
_I have no reason to be._

  
It was her first day back at work. Usually Ryder would feel exited to be back. After all it was how she felt every time she had to take time away from work. She didn't only feel physically exhausted but emotionally too. The ketones took more out of her then she cared to admit. 

  
“Yeah.” It was a short and vague answer that she gave. But she didn't know what else to add.

  
“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned. “Lexi said you were sick but nothing else.”

  
It was surprising to Ryder. She thought if Lexi would have told him that she was sick she would've given more information as well. He must’ve asked after he got the message from SAM. 

“I'm fine,” she assured him. “Just ketones.” Ryder rubbed it off as if it was nothing. As if days ago she didn't experienced a new level of tiredness. As if she wasn't afraid that the ketones would kill her.

  
“Oh,” Asher said. “That's…” he didn't know what to say. Even though her brother had a vague idea of what ketones is she could see he didn't really understand what she experienced. “That's not good. That's some scary crap.”

  
_Oh, it's nothing. I just puked my guts out and couldn't walk without the walls support. No big deal._

  
How could she tell another living being how she felt? How scared she was. How she could physically feel her body destroying itself. Her body letting her down, yet it was all her fault. Because she didn't try hard enough.

  
The truth was she couldn't. Her feelings and fears might be valid but it was still stupid. She had to get over it. 

  
“Yeah, it was…” she trailed off thinking of the right thing to say. There was nothing that fitted and her mind made itself up,” … unpleasant.”

  
It wasn't a lie. 

  
“You should be careful,” Asher said but it was the wrong thing to say, yet she couldn't blame him. “That's no games.”

  
Why did people think she didn’t know what was on stake? She did, she needed no reminders. It wasn’t like she was incapable of understanding. Ryder was experiencing this, not them. 

  
It felt like her own brother was judging her. How was it possible that she felt to blame for all this but still got mad when people judged? It didn't make sense to her. 

  
“Yeah, it's only my life,” Ryder said in an angry tone.

  
Asher sighed realizing what his words did. “That's not what I meant.”

  
Can't people say what they mean? Isn't it that simple? Why does it always need to be so damn complicated?

  
“I know,” she said softly. It was a lie of course but Ryder didn't want to talk about this anymore. She wanted to move on. 

  
Asher gave another sigh, “How did we get like this?”

  
Ryder was flabbergasted. Was he talking about something else? “You're going to need to give me more information than that.”

  
“When we were younger we used to share everything because that's what twins did,” Asher looked far off as he remembered better times. Times in another Galaxy. 

Asher was right that’s what they did. But he was wrong about the reason, they didn’t do it because they were twins, they did it because they trusted each other and always had each other’s backs. They didn’t do it because that was what society expected of them. 

  
Ryder didn't know what to say to her brother. What could she say? But his staring became too much and she needed to fill the silence. She needed this subject to be dropped. “We're not kids anymore. We grew up.”

  
“That's crap and you know it,” he said. 

  
The one thing Ryder thought would turn things around did the exact opposite. “I don't know what you want me to say Asher,” she sighed. “It is what it is.”

  
“Then answer me this,” he said, “Why wasn't it this way back home?” Ryder hated when he used a different tactic to make a point. “We were 22 when we left and we're still 22. We weren’t kids when we left Amber.”

  
“Yeah,” Ryder started. He was right but she also changed a lot since Andromeda. This Galaxy changed her whether she liked it or not. 

  
“Yeah?” he repeated. “What does that mean? We used to talk about everything.”

  
“I told you I wouldn't keep secrets anymore,” Ryder recalled the conversation they had about the unnecessary secrets she kept about their dad. She held her end. What was the problem? 

  
“That doesn't mean the same,” he said. “You never talked about how becoming a diabetic changed everything for you.” When Ryder narrowed her eyes that said ‘that's not true’ he continued, “Not really. I ask, you tell the minimum.”

  
“It's fine. It's what it is. There's nothing to talk about.” Ryder waved what he said off with her words. 

  
“It's not.”

  
Asher was right. Ryder felt trapped, watchful eyes everywhere. Seeing where she could take a step wrong. Because everyone knew that she was a diabetic and there was no way she could hide it. It made her feel exposed. 

  
That she was weak and needed to sometimes stop to eat something because her body demanded it. She was so mad, yet she didn't know at who. But none of this she could tell another person. Not even Jaal, and most definitely not her brother.

  
The food was the same. Or that’s what it tasted like. The textures of it tasted boring and colourless. The flavours felt fake. Every day the same old diet. Every day the same. Scan sugar. Inject. Eat. It didn’t matter if Ryder was hungry or not. Whether she wanted to eat or not. Her say didn’t matter anymore. 

Ryder missed the freedom of eating what she wanted when she wanted. Her food choices wasn’t always the healthiest but it was her choice. She wished she ate more chocolate. More creamy meals. Then maybe she wouldn’t craved them as much. 

  
But she couldn’t say it, even when those thoughts arose it felt silly. So Ryder's only answer was a stare.

  
Asher took that cue to go on, “You don't even talk about Dad's death.”

  
Ryder narrowed her eyes again because she did talk about his death. She told him what happened. She couldn’t understand why he would bring this up now. “I did.”

  
“You talked about what happened. Went through it as fast as you could.” Asher knew exactly to what Ryder referred to. “And you did it with no emotion.”

  
Ryder was flabbergasted once again. She couldn't say anything to that. Her brother's words stung. _He basically said I was cold_. She wasn't cold.

  
She missed her Dad, and even though they didn’t have a relationship she wished he was still here. 

  
She handled his death by keeping herself busy. Distracting herself. And Andromeda had plenty of distractions to keep her mind occupied. It was easier that way. 

  
“Look,” Asher said after there were a long moment of silence between them and it was clear that Ryder wouldn’t fill it, “All I’m saying is I’m here. Others too. You have support, you at least have mine. Use it.”

  
But her brother’s words felt hollow. It felt like empty promises people were making. People saying you have their support and them actually supporting you is two different things. 

  
She felt alone. She felt other people’s judgements. The way they were looking at her. 

  
One moment she’ll feel like she has support and then the next… there’s nothing. People have a weird way of showing it. 

  
Most of the time in Ryder’s perspective people said that to be nice. But the truth is most only care about themselves. It was something she saw time and again. 

  
“Okay,” Ryder said. It wasn’t exactly the appropriate thing to say but she said it anyway.

* * *

Just two appointments left for the day…

  
Ryder was never one of those people that couldn’t wait for the end of the day but today was an exception. 

Maybe it was because she was tired or…maybe it was because one of the meetings was with Tann. She had no energy for him. Whatever he wanted to talk about she knew she wouldn’t want to hear it. 

  
When she checked the time she realized she should’ve had her snack an hour ago. Ryder could feel that she didn’t have one. The entire time she thought she forgot something but she couldn’t put her finger on what it was. She felt more tired than before and the signs of a low sugar started to show. 

  
With shaky hands she typed the commands to her omni-tool to see what it said. It took a while because no matter how hard she tried she was unable to read the words that swam before her eyes. 

  
_5.4_

  
_Why do I feel like this?_

  
“Your sugar was higher this morning,” SAM reminded her. Ryder must’ve said it through their private channel or said it out loud without realizing it. “Your body is also not used to it being normal.”

  
_Well that makes sense. After all I did have ketones a few days ago._

  
Since Ryder has become a diabetic she realized that when her sugar dropped even though it was to a normal level she still felt horrible. And then there were times where she haven’t even realized that her sugar was low. 

  
“Thanks SAM,” she said through their private channel. “I have an hour to kill before my meeting with Tann. I’ll eat something on the Tempest.”

  
She did want to use that time for something else, but things didn’t always go according to plan. 

  
Ryder ate something, and drank some coffee with it. When she was done she felt refreshed and a little bit different but it was time to go on with the day once again. 

  
She took a few deep breaths for courage when she stood in front of Tann’s door. She knew there was no way things will go well with this mission. 

  
She walked in and flashed Tann’s assistant her best fake smile.

  
“Pathfinder,” the assistant looked Ryder up and down. “The Director will see you now.” 

  
Ryder walked up the steps, but for the first time the steps felt heavy with burden. Each step felt harder to take. As if she prolonged the inedible. 

  
She looked around but saw none of the other leaderships. Only Tann reading a datapad. 

  
_That can’t be good._

“Ryder,” Tann greeted her when he saw her,” I’m glad that you could come.”

  
Ryder frowned. What did that mean? Did he think something would come up again? Something that had to do with her sugar? But she didn’t say it out loud. “Where are the others?” Maybe they were late? But that was wishful thinking. Ryder had a feeling that wasn’t the case. After all they were never late before, why start now?

  
“I thought it would be best if we speak alone.”

  
“Do they even know about this?” Ryder asked.

  
“No,” he admitted. And Ryder was surprised that Tann admitted it to her. “But they don’t need to be here for this.”

  
“So, am I fired?”

  
Whatever Tann thought Ryder would say it wasn’t that. His eyes widened. “Now why would you think that?”

  
“It doesn’t matter,” Ryder shoved it off as if it was a joke and not something she wondered for a long time. Ever since she became the Pathfinder she waited for a screw up that would result the title Pathfinder being stripped from her and given to Cora. But after the little success they had she thought there was a chance. She became hopeful. Until she became a diabetic and Cora had to take over many times. Even she had to admit she was becoming a liability, besides she wasn’t the best Pathfinder these last few weeks. “What did you want to talk about?”

  
“Pathfinder,” he started and it felt like he had a speech up on his sleeve. “I know you’ve been working hard. I’d imagine trying to fill Alec Ryder’s shoes is not an easy feat. 

  
“What are you trying to say Tann?” Ryder just wanted to get to the point. She had a long day and where she was tired before, she was exhausted now. Whenever the Director brought up her dad she didn’t like where it was heading. 

  
Tann sighed, clearly not wanting to say what was on his mind. “You’ve been taking a lot of time off.”

  
_I did ask if I was fired, didn’t I?_

  
Hearing Tann not going on, Ryder guessed that he was probably waiting for her. Maybe for an explanation. “Look Tann, I’m sorry about all of this. There’s not much I can say.” She sighed feeling helpless, “I’ve already told you what happened.”

  
“That you did.”

  
And that unsettled Ryder even more. Tann couldn’t be straight with her. 

  
“Okay… just tell me what’s going on Tann,” she rubbed her temple. It has been a long day and she was sure her expression started to show it. “I’m really not in the mood for games.”

He narrowed his big eyes at Ryder but then he went on, “People have begun noticing.” Ryder doubt that was the truth. Maybe he overreacted. Or maybe he said that to put her in her place. It was possible that people have begun noticing but not at the amount he was suggesting. “You need to start doing your job.”

  
Ryder bite the side of her cheek to stop herself from giving the respond she wanted to give. She did do her job. And yes, things happened but that wasn’t planned. “Meaning?” Ryder asked Tann to clarify. 

  
“If we don’t get outposts out there our people will die.” Tann said plainly. 

  
_Why couldn’t he start with that?_

Tann was right. Ryder couldn’t blame him. Besides Ryder there was only two other Pathfinders. Ryder had to do her part and if she was completely honest with herself, she hasn’t been doing that.

“I know that,” Ryder said. It came out as too defensive for her ears. “And that’s exactly why we need to find Meridian.” There was still Elaaden and Kadara that needed an outpost but elsewhere she placed outposts where she could. Havarl couldn’t have one. 

“There’s other duties you’ve been neglecting as well. Reports was late. Important meetings that was either cancelled or you needed to walk early from,” Tann ticked from his mental list.

  
As Tann’s list went on Ryder had a mixed feeling between guilt and anger. She have been neglecting things. She knew. But she didn’t expect it was this bad. Seeing this from a different perspective changed everything. She looked down at her hands they were shaking. She wasn’t sure if it was from stress or something else. Anything was possible these days. 

  
But the truth was Ryder tried her best to get to everything. She really did, but it wasn’t enough. 

  
“Look,” Tann said, “We,” meaning the leadership,” understand. You couldn’t have become a diabetic at a worse time. And I admit I don’t know much about this disease.”

  
She doubted that Tann truly understood. Actions spoke louder than words. 

  
_Maybe if I’ve been more careful things would’ve been different. I needed to be more careful on the Archon’s ship. Why wasn’t I?_

  
She should’ve known it wouldn’t be so easy. If it wasn’t for her becoming a diabetic then she wouldn’t have been in this dilemma. Just one thing that impacts everything. Changes everything. And while change can be good she definitely didn’t think this was a good change. 

  
But she was in this dilemma. And there was nothing she could do about it except accepting it and move forward. Handle it as best as she’s able. 

One look from Tann told her he was not done yet. “I heard you had something that is called ketones.” It was clear that word was strange for Tann. An odd look spread on his features after he tasted the word, probably not being sure if he pronounced it correct. “I looked into it.”

  
_Oh crap, this can’t be good._

  
“Pathfinder, you need to get your sugar under controlled,” the warning came though it sounded more like an order. “We need you. We’re all in unfortunate circumstances but we need the best for the people.”

  
“I understand Director.” 

  
What else could she say? He was right. She needed to get her head in the game. Do what’s best for the people.

  
“Dismissed,” he said and his focus went back to his work. Not even waiting for Ryder to leave the room. 

* * *

Her first day of work was full of meetings and appointments she missed thanks to her ketones. For that reason, she didn’t have enough time to meet up with Harry. 

  
It’s funny. The idea she had of Diabetes now and 10 years ago is so different. But that's how things are, right? You need to first experience it yourself before knowing how it really is. And now she knew. Ryder really whished she didn’t. 

  
This made her regret the times she was judgmental over situations that had nothing to do with her. 

  
She was hungry the whole time, no starving. But… she promised herself she will do better. Follow the diet strictly, not one wrong move. Even though her cravings didn’t stop. 

  
It was hard, it's not that she didn't try to follow her diet. She did, she did her tests and took her insulin, as well as her food when she should do it but there were times she couldn’t follow it 100%. It was hard on missions, and then there was situations like the event with Jaal's family. 

  
Was it the last straw that her body just said enough, or was it all just adding up? That's another thing. Her disease was starting to teach her more and more life lessons as time passed. People think something small is fine, but she learned that a small thing could change everything. It all counts. And maybe that was the thing that made this so hard. It all counted against her. 

  
Or maybe it's just her.

  
Maybe this is so simple, and she's just really bad at it. That's possible too.

Ryder talked to Lexi again about getting extra insulin. She neither said yes nor no. Lexi clearly disapproved of her decision to help Erna and her daughter. 

  
Ryder needed to talk to Harry to arrange everything. With Lexi everything seemed simpler. Ryder couldn’t be sure why. Maybe it was because she knew more or less how Lexi will respond, but with Harry she couldn’t be sure. 

  
Since Lexi joined the Tempest Ryder got to know her better. Just like everyone she was a part of the Tempest crew. She was a part of the family. And without it the Tempest would’ve been so much different.

  
Lexi had an impact on everyone’s lives. Even on Peebee, she’ll never admit that though. That was just how Peebee was. 

  
Ryder told Harry what happened. His eyes blinked and his head nodded as he heard more and more. But most importantly she read no judgement from his eyes. 

  
“So can I get it?” Ryder asked hopefully. Harry’s expression was hard to read. This could either be a yes or a no. 

  
She had a feeling the doctor that looked after her brother was good at masking his emotions and thoughts. He was the only one who knew what he was thinking and feeling. 

  
Instead of giving her an answer he asked a question instead, “Why do you want to do this?” The emphasize was on want, as if she wanted to do this and not needed to do this.   
“I need to do this,” Ryder clarified. “Want has nothing to do with this.” 

  
He rubbed his chin with his index finger and thumb, “Let me put it this way. What does these people have that make them so special for you to drop everything and help them?”

  
Ryder was at a loss of words. She didn’t have an answer. She couldn’t deny it, that’s what she did. The first chance she had she came to spoke with him abut it. After all the other appointments couldn’t wait. But as a diabetic she felt it was her duty to help other diabetics who were in difficult situations. This was personal to Ryder.  

  
“Do you disagree?” Ryder asked instead, “Should I have done nothing?”

  
Nobody agreed with her, why would Harry? Everybody thought she was used. It was important to her. Why wasn’t it clear to others? 

  
“That isn’t what I’ve said. It depends on what your motives are.”

  
“So you’ll give them to me?” Ryder asked before she said something that might change his mind. 

“It’s your choice,” Harry said, his chair creaked as he sat straighter. “Are you sure you want to do this? You won’t be able to give them free insulin forever.”

  
Ryder knew how to read between the lines. This was the last time she would be able to do this. She would need to find another solution. 

  
“Yes. I have to.” 


	10. Asking Questions Could Be Dangerous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update cause I'm not sure if I'll be able to update tomorrow.

“Pathfinder,” SAM’s voice was in her head and she didn’t know how it was possible, but it made her headache worse. 

“SAM please, not so loud.” When the AI didn’t respond she continued, “You’re making my headache worse.”

“I’m not speaking louder than I usually do.”

“Just tell me what it is,” Ryder growled. 

Ryder’s head was pounding. It was one of the worst headaches she ever experienced in her life, simply because it was unlike any other headache. Her neck and shoulder blades hurt. It felt like they pounded more than her head, every movement reminded her how sore she was. Her muscles was in spasms. Her eyes hurt. She rubbed her eyes hoping it would lessen the pain but it didn’t. It took a while before her eyes got used to the brightness of the light. She wanted to dug her eyes out.

Maybe it will feel better then? 

Every part of her wanted to do nothing else but go to the Tempest and call it a day. But Tann’s conversation of the previous day played in her head over and over again. Reminding her of what was at stake. And she decided she needed to see it now. 

“One of your father's memories is a available.”

Seeing the memory was unexpected. She learned why her dad came to Andromeda, and now that she thought about it, it made perfectly sense. 

But the side of her that loved finding answers - her curiosity, couldn’t help to wonder about this mysterious Benefactor. 

It was the first time Ryder has heard about the Benefactor. She never gave it much thought. 

But something about this smelled funny. This Benefactor didn’t even show her/his true face. And that was just the caller. Who knows, it could be a group, it could be anyone. But why was it the first time she heard about them?

Nobody talked about it. Nobody said a word. Ryder had almost nothing to go on. 

To Ryder it seemed that Alec Ryder didn’t go to the Initiative because for his sense of adventure as everyone thought. He went to Andromeda for her mom? So that this Benefactor can pay for SAM?

Then Dad must’ve ran out of time because there was no cure for Ellen Ryder. Nobody wanted to but they all had to say goodbye to her. The hardest day of her life wasn’t when they said goodbye to a grave or hearing the amazing stories about the type of person her mother was. And though she wouldn’t mind to hear them, her mother’s death were still raw, fresh. It still stung at the time. Ryder didn’t want a reminder of that. The hardest day of her life was when she spoke to her for the last time. And now she experienced the same memory, but from a different perspective. They all knew it would be the last time. Even Ryder but she didn’t want to admit it. She kept hoping that if her mother hold on longer they, or someone will find a cure. 

She still hoped there was a chance… But then she saw the dread in her father’s eyes. She asked him to tell her anything but that. Her dad just kept staring at her, his eyes were colder than ice. And she knew. 

Asher had an easier time accepting her death than Amber Ryder did. Or maybe he just pretended like she did.  

Ryder never blamed her father for trying to find a way to save her mom. If she did then Ryder would be a hypocrite, because she did exactly the same thing. She did blame him for using all of his time on it though, and nothing on his dying wife. 

But her mother is dead so why did he came? Why didn’t he hand SAM off and stayed? Was it too hard for him? Being reminded by everything that has happened? Or was it something else?

Maybe the Benefactor blackmailed him. After all the Benefactor didn’t even want to show their true face.

Then something else came to mind. 

“SAM?” Ryder was still sitting in her father’s room staring at the monitor, blinking. Processing all of this. Or trying to, this will take some time to getting used to. 

“Yes Pathfinder.”

“What are the chances that Jien Garson was actually murdered?”

She waited for SAM to answer but the silence felt impossibly long. 

“Jien Garson was killed-“

“I know SAM,” she bit her bottom lip, “but what if that wasn’t the case.” After all, this wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to make a murder look like something else. What if that was the case here? 

“As I said before, you should speak to Director Tann.”

Of course SAM would say that. It could all be a coincidence. She checked the time and saw it would be too late to talk to the Director.

It was better this way, because she wasn’t sure there passed enough time after the conversation they had the day before. Ryder was pretty sure Tann wouldn’t appreciate her questions today.

* * *

“You’re up early,” Drack remarked when Ryder got to the galley.

She switched the coffee machine on and gave Drack her full attention, “I have a lot of things to tick off my list.”

Ryder didn’t know if it was because she had a couple of things she needed to take care of today, or if it was because she couldn’t stop thinking about the memory she saw, but she was refreshed and ready for the day ahead. 

This was exciting. Hunting the truth made her feel more alive. It was something to look forward to. 

Her plan was to finish any unfinished business, that meant Kerri’s interview and talking to Tann and take things from there. 

It wasn’t long until the coffee machine was finished and she started to prepare it further. The smell of coffee filled the galley. She took a sip from the coffee, her lips to the mug, smelling the coffee before she could taste it. She was starting to get use to the taste of bitter coffee. Ryder didn’t enjoy it as much as she used to but it was getting better. 

“I thought I smelled coffee,” Liam said cheerfully. “Mind making me one?”

“Sure,” Ryder said as she pour the pot of coffee into another mug, making sure to add sugar and milk. She could feel Liam’s gaze burning the back of her mind. 

“What?” she asked as she turned around. She could tell there was a question on his lips but he wasn’t sure if he could ask her or not. “You know you can ask me anything.”

“I don’t know how you can do it.” He walked up to her to get the steaming mug from her. “Drinking coffee without sugar,” he shook his head as if it was the most disgusting thing he could think of. As if he couldn’t imagine a galaxy where people drank coffee without sugar. “I wouldn’t be able to do that.”

Ryder blinked in surprise. That was the last thing she expected to hear. 

Drack mumbled something that sounded a lot like, “You humans are weird,” and left. Leaving Ryder and Liam alone. Ryder was glad she didn’t need to answer Liam immediately after he asked. She was still pondering over her words, wondering what the appropriate response would be. 

But she frowned. Anyone could drink coffee without sugar. Some even prefer it. It wasn’t like you needed to have a special skill to do it. “You don’t think you can do it? You know, lots of people drink their hot beverages that way.”

“Yes, I know. But,” he placed his half empty mug on the counter. Steam was still coming from it. “They want to drink it like that. You do it because the choice is made for you.”

Ryder shrugged, Liam was right about that. “Well I can, I’ll just have to pay for it afterwards,” she gave him a wink. But Liam’s face was too serious. It made things awkward between them. 

“That’s not funny Ryder.”

“Oh, c’mon Liam. Don’t be so serious all the time. Lighten up,” she touched his shoulder before placing her empty but still hot empty mug in the sink.

She didn’t understand why people always reacted like that when she said things like this. Ryder once said something about insulin to lighten a tense moment in the med bay. She wasn’t serious of course. She can’t remember what she exactly said. It was after a low and her memory was foggy. 

Lexi would never slap someone. Or at least Ryder have never seen Lexi pissed enough. But that day Lexi gave her a flat look and she thought it was the day their Tempest doctor would slap her. 

After savouring her coffee with Liam she tested her sugar and took her insulin, she ate some cereal. Ryder was lucky to get her hands on the whole wheat kind. The ones the Tempest had before she couldn’t have anymore. 

The cereal tasted flavourless and she ate it quickly. Not wanting the taste of it to last in her mouth too long. Her eyes focussed on the box that the others ate from. It wasn’t the best cereal she had but it tasted much better than this. She shook her head hoping to get rid of the thought. She had her own food, own diet. 

She reminded herself it was poison to herself. But no matter how much she reminded herself, it didn’t convince her. 

That wasn’t particularly true. She could still eat it when her sugar drops but it was better to get it out of her system. 

Just as she was about to leave the galley, her omni-tool beep, before she could even wonder who it is SAM spoke, “You have a message from Director Tann’s secretary.”

Ryder send him a message the previous day asking if she could speak with him. She frowned opening the message, scanning the words quickly. 

It was impossible to say how Tann felt about seeing her again since this wasn’t his words. 

_Let’s hope I don’t ask Tann any unwanted questions._

But Ryder knew this thought came in vain. 

* * *

Talking to Tann was somehow enlightening even though he didn’t give her much information. At first she thought he wouldn’t give her any. That was until he spoke of Jien Garson’s mysterious death circumstances. 

“Wait,” Ryder stopped him. “You’re saying her death was never investigated?”

“No…not exactly.” The Director shifted uncomfortably, as if Ryder put him on the spotlight. “The Scourge made perfect sense. Do you know how many people’s lives were lost back then?”

The Nexus Uprising was not a pleasant subject for many, especially those who experienced it. It was a subject some people used to explain some actions, but there was few that went into detail. 

Tann used it as his defence. As if Ryder accused him of something horrible. But she was just after the facts and looking for the answers to her questions. The way Tann spoke about the previous Director told her that he thought a lot of her. He clearly missed her dearly. Ryder wondered how things would have been if she was still alive. 

She didn’t know the exact number of people that lost their lives. There were reports, and then all information about the exiles mysteriously vanished. 

Even though it was a possibility that Jien Garson’s was killed by the Scourge, nobody thought to investigate it? It was the perfect circumstances for a perfect murder. One would think because she was the Director of the Initiative someone would look into it. 

“Nobody could looked into it afterwards?” Ryder asked. She tried her best not to sound curious. 

“Whatever you’re planning to do,” the Director warned, “I suggest you drop it.” Tann gave her a very disapproving look. “You are not an Investigator. You are a Pathfinder,” he said, as if she forgot that somewhere down the line. “You have more important things to keep yourself busy with. I suggest you get back to your actual job.”

Ryder knew when to let things go, or at least to pretend to. “Consider it dropped.”

This didn’t mean she would stop however. The next stop would be Jien Garson’s old apartment.

* * *

“Are you sure there is nobody here?” Ryder asked, as she stood before the door that once was Jien Garson’s apartment.

“Positive,” the AI gave no evidence of being annoyed that Ryder would ask him this. She knew SAM was always thorough. He never betrayed her, and he never will. “It’s not wise to break into this apartment.” That didn’t stop him to disapprove of Ryder’s plans however.

“There’s not really anything else I can do. I can’t risk Tann finding out.” She annoyed the Director enough. 

Ryder never trusted Tann before but now she trusted him even less. His behaviour was strange to her. It wasn’t like he didn’t want her to peruse this because she was needed somewhere else, it was like he didn’t want her to find the answers at all. Why was that? Did he hide something he didn’t want their Human Pathfinder to find out?

Or was Ryder simply reading too much into this? 

“Do you suspect that Director Tann is hiding something?”

“Oh,” Ryder said as the door slide open, “I don’t suspect it. I know it.”

“How could you?” SAM almost sounded curious and Ryder frowned at the thought of it. “You don’t have any proof.”

“Not yet. I have a feeling in my gut.” Ryder wasn’t sure if it would be enough for SAM.

 “Okay, let’s get to work,” she spoke more to herself than SAM. “I need you to tell me if anyone is approaching the apartment SAM.”

“Yes Pathfinder.”

Ryder scanned every little detail of the apartment. She did so until she reached the bedroom.

“Pathfinder,” SAM stopped her process, “This is where Jien Garson was murdered.”

Ryder continued to scan, until the scene of the previous Director’s murder was recreated. A man was standing over the director’s body, having done the deed.

“So I was right,” Ryder wished she wasn’t. Because a million other questions popped in her head. Who killed Jien Garson? Was she blackmailed? Was the Benefactor involved in this? Whoever murdered her over whatever reason this complicated things.

She finished her scan of the room. Her omni-tool spit the words out. NO DNA FOUND. 

Of course, Ryder expected as much. The murder happened months ago. It couldn’t be that simple. 

Upon searching further Ryder found something she didn’t expect to find. 

“Pathfinder,” SAM said after her scanner stopped screaming, “The wall contains a secret room.” A part of her – the part that loved finding answers, the part that loved mysteries – got excited. Because never before has Ryder gotten the opportunity to explore a secret room. 

“Pathfinder, why are you excited?”

Shame. That was what she was feeling. Suddenly she felt uncomfortable in her own skin. Someone was murdered and the prospect of finding out the truth made her excited. She was a horrible human being. Ryder shouldn’t have been excited over this. 

“I’m not.” It wouldn’t help to lie to SAM but yet, that was exactly what Ryder did. 

If SAM had the ability to frown he would have. “Pathfinder-“

But she interrupted him, “Just leave it. It doesn’t matter if I’m excited over this or not.”

Ryder couldn’t help to wonder what the room contained and why Jien Garson had a secret room. That was until she found a datapad that contained a certain recording. 

Either the previous director was paranoid or something serious that nobody was aware of was going on. Ryder’s guessed it was the latter. 

Next up was going to the Cultural Centre. 

“Pathfinder,” Ryder was sure she could hear a hint of urgency in the AI’s voice, “Someone is approaching the apartment.”

For a moment Ryder panicked, she froze, not being sure what to do. Then she closed the secret room, the wall closing like a door, hoping whoever the person who was approaching wouldn’t find it. After all it was hidden for a reason. 

Ryder knew it was foolish and probably the most obvious hiding spot but she crawled under the bed, hoping she wouldn’t be found. 

She heard the door slide open and with it footsteps. She couldn’t tell who or what they looked at, but they worked slowly. Clearing every room. They activated their scanner. Ryder’s heart was threatening to climb out of her throat. 

Then they spoke,” Negative. Nobody’s here.” From their vocals Ryder could tell it’s a turian. Male. Maybe a security guard? 

 _Did someone see me entering or are they just doing a general sweep?_ When she heard the door again signalling that they left the apartment Ryder led out a breath she just realized she was holding. 

She waited another 10 minutes before leaving the apartment. 

* * *

“So, what?” Ryder asked SAM when she made her way out of the Cultural Centre, “There’s nothing else I can do about this?”

“The next memory might contain answers,” SAM reminded her. Instead of it helping, it did the exact opposite.

Why couldn’t her dad just have given her the answers? One thing Ryder never understood about her dad – and there were many things she didn’t understand about Alec Ryder – was his ability to not being straight with people. Especially with his children. She knew Asher had the same problem with their dad. He could never give an answer yes, or no. It was always in the middle. A riddle you needed to solve. One statement could mean a million different things. 

In truth she hated having to work to get his memories. It was as if she was required to prove herself. She did enough of that when he was alive. 

“You need to stop doing that,” Niria said many years ago. If Ryder remembered correctly they were teenagers at the time. 

“Doing what?” But Ryder knew what her friend was trying to say. 

“Stop trying to prove yourself to him. If he doesn’t see your potential that’s on him not you.”

Niria was right of course but at the time she couldn’t admit it. It took Ryder a very long time to realize that her father’s approval wasn’t something she needed. And after that it still took some time when she stopped seeking it. 

She was the only one who knew how Ryder and her dad’s relationship truly was. Some thought they had a good relationship. Others thought they had a bad one. But none of them knew the truth. Niria was the only one in her life that she trusted enough. And even that trust took a long time to build up. 

“SAM,” Ryder decided to ask what she wanted since her father died, “Did you ever understand my dad?”

“As I share a symbolic relationship with you, I did the same with your father.” _That doesn’t answer my question._ But she didn’t say that out loud and SAM continued, “Many people said he was a complicated man.”

That was an understatement. When Ryder was a kid she always thought that if there was something like a genie out there, then she would have wished to understand her father better. She always tried, seeing things his side of things, but that never worked. 

“Never mind,” Ryder said. All of these memories just reminded her of the past. And she’d rather not think about a time in her life that was already over. 

“Are you going to share your findings with the Leadership?”

“No,” Ryder said firmly. She wasn’t sure who to trust with this information. This all couldn’t be a coincidence. Jien Garson’s murder had to be connected to the Benefactor.”

Ryder wouldn’t go as far as to say that one of the leadership was involved – she did trust Kesh – but that didn’t mean she could tell them about it. In fact, she couldn’t tell anyone about this, except maybe her brother. This might’ve gotten the director killed. 

And running around today, hunting down the answers, the feeling that Tann was hiding something just grew stronger and stronger. 

But before anything else could happen Ryder needed to find out more information and for that she needed to wait for the next memory. However long that might take. 

_You never could make things simple, could you Dad?_

* * *

The reporter had a lot of questions. More about how this influenced her diabetics and what she needed to change than anything else. It dragged on and on, and Ryder was very surprised that Kerri didn’t ask the one question. _Do you believe you are fit to be the Pathfinder?_

Ryder shook her head as if to get the interview out of her mind. 

She had to wonder what the people thought. Normally it wouldn’t matter what others thought. But if people didn’t think Ryder could do her job then it could count against her. 

“Ryder.”

She walked straight into Addison of all people. Her eyes searched to see if the woman before her was angry. She was one of the people that Ryder liked the least. 

“Are you alright?” Concern was an expression Ryder haven’t seen before on her face. Addison never asked her something like this before. Did Ryder walked into another Universe where she and Addison wasn’t at each other’s throats?

“Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind.” But Ryder had a feeling that wasn’t what she meant. 

Addison and Ryder couldn’t see eye to eye. Maybe it had to do with how they met. How Addison thought Ryder was incapable of filling her dad’s shoes. That she won’t be able to do her job. She really couldn’t say. Or maybe it was that something always bothered her about Addison. But no matter how much she tried she couldn’t place her finger on what exactly it was. 

“How are you feeling after the ketones?”

Of course, Addison knew about that. The whole leadership did, but Ryder didn’t think she would bring it up. Clearly, she was wrong.

“Feeling much better,” she shot her an assuring smile. 

“I’m glad.” And something told Ryder she really was. But then Addison began the last conversation Ryder had the energy for. “That’s really dangerous. You know my sister’s friend was a diabetic.”

Was. Meaning she died. _Please don’t go there. Please don’t go there._

But of course, it would be too much to hope for. 

“She didn’t look well after herself,” Addison continued oblivious to Ryder’s thoughts. “Later she had kidney failure but that was only the beginning of her problems…”

Somewhere in Addison’s tale she stopped listening to her. Not because she didn’t want to hear about it but because her thoughts screamed louder than her thoughts did. 

_What if that is me one day? What if my death won’t happen at the battlefield but in a hospital room, where machines is keeping me alive?_

Ryder isn’t afraid of dying on the battlefield. But dying alone, helpless, with no will to live. Feeling how her body is giving up on her. That reality scared Ryder more than she would care to admit. 

Fear was building up in her throat, trying to strangle her alive. Her heart beat faster and faster by the second as the thought of it grew more and more. Suddenly she didn’t have any air left to breath.

“Pathfinder, calm down.” It was an order from SAM. That was a first, but she knew he was right. She needed to be calm. It won’t help Ryder in the long run if Addison realized her tale was making Ryder freak out. 

But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t calm herself. Did this part of the Nexus always seem so small? Wasn’t it always bigger before? Why did it feel like the room was shrinking? She needed out. And she needed out now. 

She felt SAM doing his part, or more accurately trying. But the AI could only do that much. 

“Are you alright?” Addison asked again, this time she was frowning. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this white.

Ryder took a deep breath, even though she struggled she could take it more easily. “Yeah, I just remembered I need to get to a meeting,” she lied. “I have to go. Thanks for the talk.”

Ryder didn’t wait for Addison to respond, she just walked away. She hoped that wouldn’t bite her in the ass. 

 _Why did I thank her?_ Did the leadership felt to motivate her? Because this had the opposite effect. 

Ryder knew all the dangers of diabetes. She didn’t need a lesson, especially from Addison of all people. 

* * *

After Ryder calmed down she returned to the Tempest, setting a course to Kadara. Afterwards she sent a message to Reyes that said:

_Can we talk? I’m heading to Kadara._

It was short and simple.

Ryder got the extra insulin and hoped the mother with the sick diabetic was still doing okay. Hopefully this will help them for a bit. 

Maybe once they found Meridian things will be better. 


	11. Building Alliances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just a heads up. This will be the last update of the year. Christmas is usually a busy time for me, and I'm working on another project as well. This is to minimize my stress, and I think it will be better this way.

This was the first time Ryder stepped on Kadara since the leadership change. She expected that Kadara Port would feel different somehow. 

But…as soon as her feet touched the ground, there was no change in the atmosphere. Kadara smelled the same. The people were the same. It was as if nothing have changed. As if she would decide to walk up to the Throne room the same guards would be there. Sloane would still sit on her throne with Kaetus on her side. 

Ryder thought she would find Reyes on the throne room, because where else would the current Kadara leader be? But a message from Reyes meant it wasn’t the case. 

_I’m not in the throne room. Find me in my old room._

The message stated nothing else. Ryder couldn’t blame him. Her message was as vague as ever.  But she had so many questions floating in her mind.

She wondered what happened with the Outcasts. Specifically those that survived the change in leadership. Were they questioned? What about those that escaped? Were they scattered around in the Badlands, hoping to just survive?

Ryder walked up to the steps that lead to the throne room. Her mind wondering who would sit on the throne. That was until she saw the first change her eyes picked on. 

The guards. It wasn’t the same guards who were always posted there. This time it was two Angaras and their eyes blinked in recognition. 

“Pathfinder,” the one guard greeted her. Ryder didn’t recognize them. “She’s expecting you.”

Ryder frowned instantly. _She? Whose she? And how did she even know I would be here?_

Ryder nod, as a thanks, she was pretty sure her features betrayed her, showing she had no idea who she would see and the door opened. She saw none other than Keema.

The Angara she last saw on Sloane’s party looked comfortable on the throne. She belonged there. A pipe was in her hand, the smoke escaping freely. Her people – or at least Reyes’ people – looked happy, busy with work. A smile started covering her lips as she recognized Ryder.

“Pathfinder,” her smile never left her lips, “He said you would come.”

With _he_ she meant Reyes. 

Of course, it made sense. Reyes and Keema was more than friends. They worked together. Ryder couldn’t help to wonder if less was going on, she would’ve figured this all out. The puzzle pieces was before her she just had to piece it together. But there was neither the time for that nor enough motivation. 

Leave us,” Keema ordered, and without a second thought all of the people in the room vanished. 

“I thought the Charlatan would’ve sat on his throne,” Ryder observed. Her eyes was open to the Angara’s reaction. 

“You know Reyes,” Keema said, but Ryder didn’t. She basically knew nothing about the smuggler. “He likes to be in the shadows.”

“So you knew.” 

Both knew what Ryder referred to. 

Keema laughed and Ryder had no way of identifying what the laugh meant, “Yes, of course. You know,” Ryder could feel Keema’s gaze boring onto her, “I told him to tell you, but he was afraid of what you would think.”

That was absurd. What did it matter what Ryder would’ve thought? She didn’t care. Being afraid what she would’ve done with the information if Ryder knew would’ve made more sense. Reyes was only someone she worked with. She had no need to be friends with him. “What about Kaetus? You were in on it?”

Keema sighed and shook her head. It wasn’t a no. She expected the question. “Kadara changes you.” It didn’t make it right. “We did what we needed to get here.” It wasn’t a straight answer. Keema was unwilling to share her part in playing the role. 

There were options. There’s always something else you could do. But that was something she couldn’t tell Keema. Ryder didn’t need to make the situation direr than it already was. 

So Ryder choose to ignore it, instead of addressing it further. At least that part, she still needed to find more information about Kaetus. “So what happened to him?” A million different thoughts ran through her head. 

“Kaetus was questioned.” That was expected. However, she suspected her definition of questioning and Reyes’ was two different things. They might’ve used tactics to loosen him up a bit. “Right now he is moaning in the holding cells.” Keema waved her hand with that held her pipe in the direction where Ryder could only have guessed he was held. 

There was a rumour about Kaetus and Sloane flowing around. Many said there was something between the two. At first Ryder choose to ignore it, besides it had nothing to do with her. She couldn’t help to notice the glances. And if Reyes used Kaetus against Sloane he must have felt something for her. Even if it was a one-sided thing. 

Kaetus was loyal to Sloane. So Ryder suspected that the Collectives won’t get much information out of him. 

“What are your plans for him?”

Keema gave a shrug, “That, you’ll need to ask our friend.” Either Reyes haven’t decided yet, or he didn’t choose to share that information with Keema. Ryder highly doubted it was the latter. 

She wondered how Reyes and Keema’s partnership worked and how they ended up meeting. Did Reyes just decide he would take over after he saw how bad things are on Kadara? Or did Keema approached him?

“Thanks for the info Keema.” Ryder decided it was best to go talk to Reyes next. If she had any more questions for Keema she could come back. “Nice talking to you.”

Before she turned around Keema took a puff from her pipe. 

“Likewise Pathfinder,” Ryder heard as the doors slide open before her. 

* * *

Ryder didn’t know when, but somewhere between the time they left Kadara last and when she got ketones she must’ve forgiven Reyes. He betrayed her. He twisted her trust and she needed that time. She wasn’t sure if she trusted him, but it was time to swallow her pride and build an alliance with the Charlatan. 

She walked up to the steps to his VIP room and her chest felt heavy. The door was unlocked and opened for her before she could do anything. 

“Ryder,” Reyes saw her immediately. “I was expecting you.”

 _How?_ The question was on the tip of her tongue but she swallowed it. He must have people everywhere. His eyes on the ground. Knowing exactly when something was happening. That was how he must’ve known she was already here.  

“Not much gets past you,” she started sarcastically. “We should talk.”

Ryder felt uneasy. She wanted to get things moving along. It was better that she wasn’t here for longer than was necessary. Otherwise she might strangle Reyes and that would be bad for business.

Her thoughts froze. Maybe she hasn’t forgiven him as she thought, there’s some anger left. 

“Straight to business.” Reyes’ words made her frown. Did he expect her to talk about what had happened with Sloane? It was better to move on. It was in the past. It wasn’t something Ryder could change even if she wanted to. “We can start an Alliance and have an outpost in the Badlands.”

“What about protection?” Ryder asked. The Initiative needed this outpost. But it wouldn’t help them if mercenaries or the Initiative’s enemies attacked the outpost. And who knows? Outcasts might be lurking around the corners. 

“The Collectives will protect them, of course.” He stopped. Reyes’ mind was occupied, probably thinking about this Alliance as much as Ryder. “This can work,” he assured her, “But it needs to be from both sides.”

Did he meant Tann? Sure Tann won’t be happy about the alliance but even he has to swallow his pride sometimes. There’s bad blood between both parties, but both sides needs it. “Send me all the terms and conditions and I’ll talk to the Director.”

Reyes’ smile told her, her intuition was right, “Then we have a deal.” The Charlatan held his hand out in a form of a handshake which Ryder took after only hesitating for a moment. 

“Looking forward to working with you Reyes.” Ryder didn’t know if she meant it, but she hoped she wouldn’t regret this Partnership. Right now Reyes was the last person in this Galaxy she wanted to do business with. 

In all likelihood it was possible that Reyes might have noted the spark of hesitation in her eyes. Or maybe it was the way she shifted uncomfortably.

“Look Ryder,” he said after staring at her for a while. “I know you don’t agree with how I handled things.” He stopped, and stared at his shoes as if they would reveal the answers, “Maybe I would’ve felt the same if my experiences was different.” Ryder didn’t know if he meant in Andromeda or his life in general. “Kadara has a way of crawling under your skin. Sometimes – and I don’t mean just in Kadara – you need to get your hands dirty to survive.”

Ryder suspected that he didn’t regret what he did to Kaetus, and how he handled Sloane. 

“You don’t know what went on here,” when Ryder opened her mouth to say anything he went on,” At least not all of it.”

A million thoughts floated in her mind. But none of them seemed right. Reyes was right. They didn’t have the same experiences, heck she didn’t know what Reyes’ experiences was, but she still didn’t agree. Nothing excused torture. It’s something she always stood very firm on. Nothing he could tell her would justify his actions. But that didn’t give her the right to judge him. 

“Let’s just move on,” Ryder suggested. There was no space to question her words. 

Reyes was still not convinced. “There needs to be a form of trust between us, and right now there isn’t.” Ryder didn’t exactly hide her distrust in any way. She wanted him to know that she didn’t trust him without saying it. She couldn’t be sure why. “So let’s trust each other. Ask whatever you want to know.” That didn’t sound right. She didn’t think that she could ask any question of him and he would give her a straight answer. That was until he spoke again. “Business-wise of course,” he added with a wink. 

But Reyes forgot something. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, you’ll be unable to trust the person before your eyes. Sometimes the deed is way too strong. 

“Okay,” Ryder thought about her list with the million questions she wanted to ask the Charlatan, and now’s her chance. “What’s going to happen with Kaetus?”

“Hard question first,” Ryder didn’t know if he said it because he didn’t know the answer or if it was because she wouldn’t like the answer. “I’m still questioning him. Did Keema told you he’s locked up?”

“Yes,” she confirmed, “and that he doesn’t want to give you any information.” Ryder didn’t know Keema. She didn’t know if she liked the Angara or not, there was not enough information yet. “Should she have said nothing?”

“Oh no,” Reyes said immediately. “I told her to answer all your questions honestly. After all you’re apart in this little secret of ours.”

Ryder had to try very hard to swallow the snort that threatened to escape her throat. Reyes being the Charlatan wasn’t a small thing like he tried to let it sound. It was a very big secret. Unlike Ryder there are people who are very interested in the identity of the Charlatan. 

“So you have no plans for him? Will he be locked up forever?”

One look at Reyes’ expression told her that wouldn’t be the case. “That’s not an option. At least…” Reyes looked far off as if someone just hit him with an idea.” Not here.”

It didn’t take Ryder long to catch on,” Reyes I don’t think it’s the best idea to give Kaetus to the Initiative. They’ll just exile him again.”

Ryder sighed as she knew there wasn’t a good option. 

“Any ideas?” The look Reyes gave Ryder told her he could see how miserable the situation made her feel. 

“Just handle it,” Ryder said. She had no idea what was the best option. It’s Reyes’ own fault they were in this mess. He should fix it. “Whatever you do, I don’t want to know. Got it?”

“Sure Ryder. Is there anything else?” His words was smooth as honey, as if this was just another business transaction. She had to wonder if this was how Reyes saw things. It was impossible to say. 

Ryder checked her omni-tool. She needed to meet up with Erna and her daughter before the sun settled down so that meant there wasn’t time for more questions. “I need your help with something.”

“What do you need?”

“You know I’m a diabetic?”

By now everybody should’ve known even Reyes. Reyes Vidal was a man who had many connections, and Ryder had an idea that those connections stretched to other parts of Heleus. 

“Yes.” His answer was simple. No jokes. He didn’t add anything else or pretended he knew all the answers. “A lot has happened these last few months.”

That statement held more truth than Ryder could admit. “Yes, I guess it has.”

“Does your diabetics have anything to do with it?” Reyes frowned as he thought of what she needed. “Wait, do you need a implant?”

Ryder had to blink a couple of times to remind her that this wasn’t a dream. “There is no implants.” The words came out automatically. It was something she said over and over again. She tried to keep her voice steady but she doubted she succeeded. She only hoped Reyes didn’t hear the desperation in her voice. 

“I can find one for you.”

The offer was tempting, maybe a bit too tempting. It took every fibre of her being to say no. Besides she wouldn’t know where he got it from. Someone might need a implant much more than she did. “No it’s fine. I need your help with something else.”

Ryder began telling the story about the girl with diabetes. How bad her condition was, and what her mother did to get Ryder’s attention.

“So, in the end you’ve gone willingly?” Reyes asked. Ryder heard the judgement in his voice. One she heard too much of lately. 

Ryder narrowed her eyes, “Yes.” She could understand why Reyes was sceptical. But this was different. There was no way that Erna made it up. Sure she could sell the insulin, but her daughter wasn’t in a very great condition. “If you’re worried I’m used-“which she doubted Reyes was, “-don’t. I saw her daughter. She was sick.”

“So you gave her the insulin,” their eyes met in understanding, “Willingly. I don’t really know what you want from me Ryder.” 

“I have new insulin for them-“

Ryder was interrupted by a sigh. When she looked at him he shook his head. “These people will use you Ryder.”

“Just let me finish the story,” there was a hint of irritation in her tone. Everyone that heard about this wanted to disagree with her. Vetra seemed to agree at first, but at the end she thought Ryder was blind to their wrong doings. 

Reyes’ only response was to lift his hands in surrender. 

“Anyway,” Ryder went on, “I got the insulin and I’m ready to give it to them. But this is only a temporary solution.” She looked down at her feet in defeat. “It’s the last time I can do this for them.”

The Charlatan nodded his head as he was getting a clearer picture as to why Ryder needed his help. “And this is where I come in.”

“Yes, these people need help Reyes. I need you to get them back into the Port.” Ryder didn’t even bother to ask. She was here to help these people and she wasn’t going to leave without getting what she came for, a permanent solution.

Reyes led out a dark laugh, “Ryder I can’t just bring all the people in the Badlands to the Port.” Before Ryder could say anything to counter it he continued, “And it isn’t because I don’t care – I do – it’s just not possible.”

“Reyes,” Ryder tried very hard not to overact. It wasn’t fair of her. Reyes took over not too long ago. There’s a lot of improvements he needed to focus on before bringing people here. “I’m not asking for everyone just _them_. Please.”

Reyes stared at her, having a sinking feeling that he would say no. Because why wouldn’t he? It wouldn’t benefit him or the Collectives. Ryder didn’t know if Erna had skills that could benefit them. Otherwise Ryder would’ve used it. It might’ve been better to talk to her first, but Ryder hated false hope and for that reason she didn’t want to give it to others. 

After a moment – that felt like it lasted forever – Reyes murmured something that sounded an awful like, “I better not regret this”, and took a big breath to speak. “Alright, I’ll see what I can do. But,” he lifted a gloved finger, “you’ll need to be patient.”

It was pretty obvious that Amber Ryder wasn’t one of the most patient people. This wasn’t a yes but it wasn’t a no either. 

“Thanks Reyes,” she shot him a smile showing just how grateful she was. “I truly appreciate it.”

* * *

It wasn’t the best idea to go to the Badlands by herself, but Ryder decided to do it anyway. 

It was best if she handled this alone. Bringing her team wouldn’t be good for Erna and her people. She didn’t want to cause unnecessary conflict like last time. 

“Who are going to tell your brother if you die at the Badlands?” Lexi asked, her hands were crossed over her chest. She was wearing a stern face, clearly not on board with this idea.

“I’ll be fine Lexi,” Ryder assured her. But she knew it wasn’t doing anything. “The Badlands isn’t _that_ bad.”

That was a lie. Even though there was no Outcasts and Collectives actively killing each other – except for the Outcasts that wasn’t dealt with, even though Ryder didn’t hear of any reports – there was still other dangers. Adhi, mercenaries, who knows maybe even the Roekaar. 

Ryder felt eyes on her back, eyes that didn’t believe a word of what she said, while she choose what weapons would be best for her to take with her. 

“You’re not fooling anyone Ryder.” It took her a while to recognize the voice but when she finally did she smiled. Cora. Of course she would say something like that.

She decided her silence was enough of a reply and looked towards Gill where he was standing next to the Nomad, “Is she ready?”

“Yes,” he confirmed looking at the Nomad as if she was the most beautiful thing he saw in the Galaxy. “I hope you enjoy the upgrades.”

“Thanks.”

But now Ryder was already in the Nomad driving towards her destination. The Nomad was driving the smoothest she ever has, she could feel Gill have put a lot of work into her. She hoped she wouldn’t need to face trouble, but she knew the chances of her wish coming true was rather slim. 

The ride there were surprisingly smooth, her mind was free to wonder on it’s own until something got in her way. 

Something that sounded like rocks hit the Nomad. At first she didn’t understand, her brow furrowed in concentration as she tried to make sense of it. Why would…

Then she realized it wasn’t rocks but gunshots. She was under attack with no backup. No nothing. Of course she’ll be attacked. This was just Ryder’s luck. 

“Pathfinder,” SAM began to warn, “I suggest you leave the vehicle and face the enemies.”

Ryder rolled her eyes at his words. “That’s the plan SAM.” She decided to park the Nomad scew to give her the best possible disadvantage. That way she could use it as cover. 

Ryder snorted as she parked. Gill is going to kill me, and Cora will gladly lend him a hand. 

She got her pistol out before getting out of the vehicle. Her hands didn’t have a lot of space to move, it was cramped, but it wasn’t long until her door flew open. She was as ready as ever to face her foes. Ryder slided out of the Nomad and checked to see how many enemies she had. The pistol felt save, secured in her hands. It was where it belong. As soon as she showed her face she shot.

Her enemies’ movements was fast and her movements matched them. She didn’t have a chance to identify her foes. She made turns with her biotics and pistol. Since she was the only one fighting at her own side she had to mainly use her biotics. But that didn’t mean she was alone either. 

She stuck her head out again and shot. Once. Twice. Both dead.

“SAM,” she yelled as she threw a shockwave, a couple of enemies got hit with it. It gave her a chance to talk to the only one who had her six. “Can you identify them?”

“One moment,” his voice was calm. Too calm. There was no urgency. If someone would listen to him one would think they weren’t in the middle of a fight. 

One turian was away from his friends and Ryder charged. Her body moved towards him at the speed of light. He never knew what hit him. He was down on the ground and Ryder shot. One. Two. Three. Quick. There was ragged breaths. His chest moved fast as he tried to breathe, his longs not having access to what it needed. Until he stopped breathing altogether. 

There was blood coming from under him. Too much. And Ryder’s boots were covered in blue blood. 

“I’m unable to identify them,” SAM spoke in her head. That meant either Ryder haven’t fought them before or they were just mercenaries. 

Ryder nodded, forgetting that SAM wouldn’t be able to see it. 

Another asari charged at her. She got her omni-blade out in time, but her opponent had the same idea. Omni-blade against omni-blade, it made a screeching sound and it hurt her ears. They pushed against each other. Someone was bound to lose control. The harder Ryder pushed the harder she pushed.  

The Asari fell on the ground. Flat on her ass. She tried to get up on time, and succeeded. Instead of Ryder stabbing her, her omni-blade tasted the dirt. The time that Ryder used to get it lose – which wasn’t a lot – the asari moved fast. Crawling from under her and stabbing her just above her ankle. Clear red blood was flowing freeing. Leaving her leg, and she cried out in pain. 

The asari came for a second hit, Ryder tried channelling her biotics throwing a throw, but it was weak. The battle tired Ryder out. It send her opponent just a couple of meters.

She smiled, it was a wicked smile. Both of them knew Ryder was in trouble and the asari’s smile spoke of blood lust. 

Ryder did a quick check, her pistol was out of reach but if she could just stretch enough. Her fingers going for the pistol, but was unable to reach it by a few centimetres. The weapon was close yet so far. 

Then both of them froze. They heard something that sounded an awfully like the thrusters of a shuttle landing. Ryder’s reflexes was quick, much quicker than her opponent. And Ryder used it, moving to get her pistol and shot until she needed to reload. 

When Ryder got up the asari was long dead. 

Gunshots rippled through the air. Ryder didn’t know what was going on. Whether these people were even on her side or not. Ryder limped to where she could get a better look. She pulled her sniper out to look.

A smile creeping up her lips as she recognized Erna’s people through her scope. 

She took this advantage and shot her enemies with her sniper rifle. Perfect head shots. She shot once, twice, thrice, reloaded and repeat. Until nobody was left. 

“You really shouldn’t be traveling alone,” a mercenary said as everyone was dead. Ryder was still siting where she sniped the enemies.

Ryder recognized the voice. An arm was offered and she took it gladly. “Thanks for the help, but I was fine.”

Hands removed her helmet, “I’m sure,” the sceptical answer came from Erna. Her eyes moved to her leg and she  wince at the sight of the blood, “You should get that check out.”

Ryder only gave a shrug. She’ll put some medi-gel on it.

Why have you came?” 

Ryder pointed to the Nomad, “I have a present for you.”


	12. Calm

“No,” Erna said when Ryder told her about getting them inside the port. “You can’t trust the Collectives. Just like the Outcasts, they can’t be trusted. What makes them so different?”

As soon as Ryder was able she slapped some medi-gel on her injured leg. For now it would need to be enough. Ryder will need to be checked out by Lexi soon. At least they could’ve stopped the bleeding.

What could Ryder say? She couldn’t tell her who the Charlatan is. If people found out, then it may cause trouble for both her and Reyes. So she couldn’t really give her anything. “Just try.”

Both of them were distracted by Erna’s daughter laughing from a distance. She ran around, having a big imagination. She was doing a lot better. Ryder couldn’t help to smile at the beautiful picture that was laid before her eyes. “For her.”

She narrowed her eyes at Ryder, “You said it might still take a while though?” The other woman was still not convinced.

“Yes, the Port needs work.”

“How do you know so much about the Collectives?” Erna was suspicious and she had every right to be. Ryder would’ve felt the same if she was in her shoes.

“Keema,” Ryder lied. “I’m working with her to build an Alliance between the Initiative and Kadara.”

That didn’t reassure the older woman at all. “You know I don’t trust the Initiative either. They pulled crap at the Nexus Uprising.”

“I know,” Ryder said, “My hope is that we can change that and build a better future together.”

“We’ll see.” The scepticism was sharp in her voice.

In the end, Ryder could not convince her. Erna had trouble trusting people and she didn’t experience the good side of the Collectives and Outcasts. She decided to see what the actions of the Collectives are now that there were a change in leadership.

For now, they had a temporary solution. They have insulin. Ryder hoped it would be enough. In her heart, she knew there was nothing else she could do, but she couldn’t help to wonder.

“Come,” Erna said, “You can’t drive to your ship in this state.” She pointed to her leg. Every time she said ship it felt like an insult. “We’ll give you a lift.”

* * *

When they arrived at the Tempest Cora, Drack, and Vetra came out armed. Ready to take out the unknown shuttle.

“Nobody shoot!” Ryder called out. Her voice was firm and it held. Hands were above her head in a form of surrender. But it didn’t last. With her leg not being able to carry her weight she needed her arms for support.

“Kid?” Drack questioned. He was the first one who recognized her voice.

“What’s going on Ryder?” Cora yelled. The atmosphere was filled with confusion.

Vetra was the first to put her weapon back in its holster. “That’s them.”

“Hmmm…” Drack hummed, considering the information.

“They’re allies Cora,” Ryder explained.

Erna snorted, “I wouldn’t go that far.” Her attention was on the XO of the Tempest, “I just delivered your Pathfinder. Nomad looks pretty bad.”

“Ryder…” Cora sighed in frustration. “Was this necessary?” Ryder wasn’t sure what Cora meant but she was pretty sure it had to do with her going to the Badlands by herself.

Erna who wanted to do nothing with this made her exit. “Well, this was fun. Time for me to leave.”

When the shuttle’s thrusters fired up and Erna and her people left Cora just stared at Ryder questioningly. Still not understanding what just happened.

“Let’s go inside,” Ryder limped up the ramp as fast as she could.”

* * *

“Sit down,” Lexi ordered as Ryder got onto the uncomfortable med bay bed.

Ryder was stubborn and before she got to the med bay she removed her armor. It was with a lot of struggle and took her twice as long. Especially when it came to removing her leg piece.

When she came out of the armory Cora was standing there, her arms across her chest. She was waiting for answers.

Ryder sighed, “Walk with me.”

“Do you need…” She was referring to her leg. It was bleeding again. The material getting wetter and wetter as Ryder limped further.

“Nah,” she waved her offer of Cora’s help with her hand. “I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Cora was clearly not convinced. “What happened?”

Ryder opened the door and they walked through, “I was attacked by mercenaries or something.” She crinkled her nose as she thought about the fight. “And then she came.”

“The people who you gave the insulin to?”

“Yeah,” Ryder confirmed. “That’s the short story.”

“Okay.” They stopped in front of the med bay. “Well,” Cora said as she looked up to the door. “I’ll leave you to it.” She squeezed Ryder’s shoulder just before she left.

“You should have come directly here.” Lexi scolded. She grabbed a pair of scissors to cut a part of her pants.

“Hey!” Ryder protested. “You can’t cut them.”

“It’s soaked in blood. If you want me to treat your injury I’m going to cut it.” Lexi was stern. She had an ‘I told you’ face on.

“Okay,” Ryder shrugged.

The only sound that was heard was Lexi’s scissors. And then a sigh.

“Problem?” Ryder asked when Lexi said nothing.

“No, it’s not that deep.”

She didn’t understand why the doctor sighed.

“But,” she looked away from Ryder’s wound and looked at her. “You’ll need to take it easy a few days. Keep your weight off it.”

“Okay, that’s no problem.”

There were a couple of things Ryder needed to take care of that didn’t require her going into battle.

“I do hope you learned from this.” Ryder was expecting Lexi to say something like this. If she took a team with her she probably wouldn’t have got injured. It wasn’t that big of an injury but it was one nonetheless. “You can’t go on your own, especially the Badlands.”

“Don’t worry about it,” she assured her, “I can take care of myself.”

Just then the doors opened and Jaal appeared. “That looks bad?” he said as he saw her leg.

“It’s fine,” Ryder assured him.

Jaal looked unsure if he should stay or go.

Ryder pointed toward the chair, “Sit. I’ll tell you what happened later.”

* * *

“What the hell did you do to her?” Gill almost shouted as they got to the Nomad. “Just look at her,” both of his hands were in his hair.

“It’s not _that_ bad,” but Ryder knew her words fell on deaf ears.

“Not that…” He sighed trying to control his anger. “Let’s just get her home, and I’ll see what I can do.”

* * *

It took some time but Gill fixed the Nomad. He did it with a lot of complaining and giving Ryder murdering looks.

The last planet that needed an outpost was Elaaden. It was a planet that Ryder avoided as long as she possibly could.

It wasn’t only hot but Ryder wasn’t sure how she should handle things at the Krogan colony. Drack talked to her about it.

He didn’t give a lot of information and she couldn’t blame him. The way the Nexus and the krogans parted wasn’t exactly good. The leader of the Krogan Colony wouldn’t be too happy with Ryder.

“SAM, tell Kallo to set a course to Elaaden,” she ordered. Her feet made their way to the Galley. She needed to keep Drack informed of their progress.

“Ryder,” Drack said when big eyes set on her. She wasn’t sure where she stood with Drack, but at least there wasn’t that awkwardness between them anymore. Or at least there were less of it. “Can I do anything for you?”

After the Archon's flagship things weren't exactly okay between Ryder and Drack. His eyes shot her with dangers, his gaze bored into her. She saw the hate. _You made the wrong move. It's your fault that my squad suffered their fate._

Ryder tried to bring it up time and again and each time Drack said something, it turned the taste of her mouth sour. It send a dagger to her heart. Because Drack told the truth, but it was more complicated than that. There was also the side of the salarians to consider.

For so long Ryder was consumed by guilt until she realized there was no right move.

“Are things ever going to be right between the two of you?” Jaal asked after seeing another tense conversation between them.

While she and Drack talked she saw Jaal's eyes watching their body language from the corner of her eyes.

Ryder shrugged, “I don't know. There’s nothing else I can do about it. If I chose differently than perhaps Kallo would’ve been angry at me.”

“No one should choose who to sacrifice.”

Jaal’s words about sacrifice reminded Ryder how heavy her heart felt. Ryder tried to avoid talking about it after that. There was truly nothing she could do but wait it out. It was impossible to keep everyone happy all the time.

“Just dropping by to say we’re headed to Elaaden,” Ryder said as her mind was on the task at hand again.

“Alright,” Drack said, “I’ll be ready.”

It wasn’t long until it was dinner time. It was Suvi’s turn. The flavours were spreading, and when Ryder was in the hallway she could smell them. It smelled rich and creamy. Her mouth watered at the smell.

“That smells great!” Ryder announced her presence.

“Ryder,” the science officer was smiling, glad to see the Human Pathfinder. “I left some out before putting the sauce and other ingredients you’re not allowed to eat it.”

“Thanks, Suvi, I appreciated it.” And Ryder meant it.

One of the Tempest’s rules involved it was one person’s task to make dinner. Everyone had a turn. However, when Ryder became a diabetic things got complicated. There were a couple of times that people forgot about Ryder. In those cases one of two things happened:

Either Ryder just ate the food, and saw a very disappointing Lexi as well as taking extra insulin. Or she ate something else she could find in the fridge.

Ryder didn’t blame them. She knew this was something that not only affected her but other people around her as well.

“No problem.” Suvi was in a wonderful mood – most times she was. She was whistling a song subconsciously. It wasn’t one Ryder recognized but it spoke volume all the same. It even lightened Ryder’s mood.

“How do you do it?” The words slipped out.

Suvi was deep in her thoughts. It took her a while to turn around and look to where Ryder was standing. “Do what?” She was puzzled.

 “You’re always happy,” Ryder reminded her. “I never see you losing it, no matter how dire things are.”

Over the months she saw how the events that happened angered the team. Anger was natural. Ryder experienced it too, maybe more so than she would admit.

Some hit things, others kept to themselves using the energy for work or on their duties. Except for Suvi. She was always this cheerful person. Always seeing the hope where others couldn’t. And sometimes it changed the atmosphere around them.

Suvi sighed as if she needed to admit a hard truth. “I think it’s important to be positive. We can’t change what’s happening with the Kett and everything else. So why try?” she shrugged as if it was the easiest thing in the Galaxy.

Suvi was an optimist, Ryder wasn’t. It wasn’t always possible to be positive. Life happens. People get angry. But some people were just better in dealing with that anger than others.

“You’re right about that.” There was nothing they could do about it.

Ryder walked up to the stove to see what Suvi was making, but that didn’t answer her question. All she could see was brown contents in brown sauce, it might’ve smelled good but it looked like it could do with a bit of colour. She began to wonder if people would actually like this meal.

“What is it?” Ryder asked after she tried wrapping her mind around it and couldn’t think about the possible answer.

“It’s a surprise,” she said with big eyes. “I know it doesn’t look tasty, but I’m sure everyone will love it but…”

“It tastes better with all these ingredients I’m not allowed to eat?”

“Yeah, sorry?” Suvi said.

Ryder didn’t understand why people felt the need to apologize over something they couldn’t control and didn’t have something physical to do with.

“It’s fine,” Ryder said and move to a counter where she saw a bowl with food contents. “Is this mine?”

Suvi confirmed with a nod of her head.

There was a difference between the two. Where everyone else’s food looked saucy, hers looked dry and pale. Needless to say, Ryder’s food looked worse. She grabbed a spoon and took a bite.

It wasn’t bad, but it didn't exactly taste good either. It was as it looked, dry. It needed salt as well as flavour. Ryder began searching in the cabinets.

“What are you looking for?” Suvi asked.

“Salt, spices,” she explained.

“Good idea.” Suvi wasn’t the best with cooking but her food wasn’t bad either.

Ryder went on searching until she found what she was looking for. She got kitchen appliances and went to work with her dinner. With the things, she had she can make her food tastier. It wouldn’t be as good as the crew’s food, but at least it was something. 

* * *

Dinner was pleasant. The Galley was filled with the sounds of the Tempest crew and the clinging of the spoons against the bowls, while they ate. Everyone was talking about Elaaden and what they might find there. All the possibilities and new adventures.

After dinner Ryder worked on her reports and focused so hard on them that she was startled when SAM spoke, “Urnot Drack is requesting access to the room.”

Ryder sat back in her chair, with her movement the chair creaked. She wondered why Drack wanted to see her at this hour. Most of the crew were already asleep.

Since Ryder was on sick leave so much lately she fell behind her paperwork. She wanted to catch up as much as she possibly could. As well as finding as much information on Elaaden as possible. “Tell him to come in.”

SAM’s answer was the sound of the door sliding open. Drack went inside immediately. His footsteps hard on the floor.

“Drack,” Ryder looked him up and down, “What can I do for you?”

“I’m surprised to see you’re awake,” he began, and Ryder had no idea where he was going with this. “Aren’t you usually asleep by this hour?”

Ryder couldn’t help to frown, she didn’t know how Drack could possibly know that. Before she could ask him he spoke.

“I went here a couple of times,” he started to answer the question that was on her mind. “SAM said you were asleep.”

Ryder would need to talk to SAM about that. He should have at least told her about it. She had no knowledge of this. But for now, she decided to let the subject go.

“I have some work to do,” Ryder said and she couldn’t help to let out a huge yawn. The words on the datapad had already began to blur before her eyes.

Drack gave her a sharp look, studying her. His eyes went from her to her desk. Seeing the empty mugs. Analysing what those meant. When Ryder needed to focus she drank a lot of coffee. It was one of the first things the crew learned about her first. And unfortunately for her, every time she went to the Galley to make some she forgot her old mugs. Drack could exactly see how much coffee she had.

“Kid,” Drack said after what felt like an eternity. The seriousness was sharp in his voice. “You need to go to sleep.”

Two of the people that spoke most out to her were Drack and Cora. The rest will but would rather avoid it if they could.  She could depend on Drack and Cora to be honest with her. Honesty was something she appreciated and valued. Not all people had the ability to be honest all the time.

“This needs to be done,” she said instead. She was exhausted. But she needed to prove herself again to the leadership. Amber Ryder needed to prove she was the right person for the job and to do that she’ll need to give it her best shot. She needed to give her all. This was a part of it. Staying up late. Sleepless nights didn’t matter. What mattered was getting the job done.

“You should take care of yourself,” the warning came from the Tempest’ only krogan. She did take care of herself. These last two days her sugar was so much better. It wasn’t normal yet, but at least it didn’t get higher than 15. And progress was progress. There still lay a lot of work for her with her diabetes, but this was a start in the right direction. Drack wasn’t done, however, “You should go to sleep kid. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Ryder did have a lot that needed to be done tomorrow and she knew herself. She wanted to get done what she could do today. It was better if Drack talked to her now, otherwise, she’ll just wonder all night what her krogan teammate wanted to talk to her about. And then she’ll sleep even less.

“No, talk now.”

There was a long moment where Drack just stared at her. His stare told her that he wouldn’t budge. So she continued, “Then I’ll sleep.”

Silence. Drack still didn’t say a word and make any move whatsoever. Not even blinking. “I promise.” Ryder tried a third time.

“Okay.” That did it. “I wanted to talk to you about the Krogan Colony.”

That made sense. Why else would he be here? Maybe he waited until there was no one around although Ryder has been in her quarters for a couple of hours.

“That’s probably a good idea.” Ryder looked at the room. It was awkward, she didn’t really have anywhere Drack could sit on except maybe the couch. “Sit,” she pointed to the couch.”

“Nah,” the krogan replied, “Standing is better.”

“Alright. What’s going on? Are there any new developments?”

Drack spoke before about what was going on with the Krogan Colony. Tensions were high, and what Ryder heard was nothing good. He even forwarded the email that another krogan, Strux sent him. It was a transcript of an audio log.

It was understandable that the leader, Morda wouldn’t be fond of the Initiative. And she had every reason with what happened between them. But judging by this alone it sounded like she was planning something, and whatever that was it didn’t sound good.

But, Ryder also wanted to hear both sides. She wanted to talk to her. She’ll probably hate Ryder but she could live with that.

The last thing they all needed was something that could make a bad situation even worse.

“Yeah,” he said. The way he shifted uncomfortably Ryder could tell it wasn’t something he wanted to admit. “Strux says things are really looking bad. We should go there as soon as possible.”

Ryder agreed, she thought so too. She should’ve gone earlier but there was always something that happened. She didn’t know how she’ll convince the Krogan leader to build a colony. She knew one thing, it won’t be an easy task.

“That’s the plan Drack.” She stood up from her chair, “Look it’s probably going to be a long day tomorrow. As I promised I’ll go to sleep, but you should too.”

“Thanks, Ryder.” And with that, he turned to leave the room. “One more thing,” he stopped. “Above all else, Morda appreciates honesty.”

Ryder didn’t believe he would go to sleep. She knew if she was in his shoes she wouldn’t. Things looked bad and in situations like these, even though it doesn’t change a thing, people worry. Worry takes sleep. Fear settles in. At first just through the cracks but as the cracks spreads there is more fear. And fear made people do very stupid things.

It was a possibility that whatever Morda was planning she did out of fear.

Ryder shook her head. That was tomorrow’s worries, not today, or at least in a few hours. She realized it was already way past midnight as she glanced at the time on her omni-tool. She went to her dresser to get ready for bed.  

* * *

The next morning Ryder woke up with a strange headache again. It started just above her neck and spread to her temple. Her neck and shoulder blades hurt too. It felt like tiny little needles stabbing her pressure points. At first, she thought her neck and shoulder blades could be explained by sleeping in the wrong position. Although the intensity of it gave her pause.

Ryder did have the habit of sleeping on too many pillows. It happened many times before that her neck felt stiff on the one side. It usually lasted for hours. But this was different. She couldn’t think of a reason, until…

Ryder sighed, “My sugar…”

She was asleep for an hour or two before she woke up. Her heart rate was faster than normal, her fingers were tingling. She couldn’t keep her hands still, she felt hot and kicked the bed covers, a part of it touched the floor, but no matter how awful she felt she couldn’t get out of bed. It would be easier to just lay in bed. Maybe it will go away.

Ryder didn’t know how long she just laid there, looking at the ceiling. The lights were still out but her eyes were used to the dark. It felt like hours but it could just be a few minutes. She had to get up and drag her feet to the galley. She even felt worse, her tongue and mouth started to feel numb.

She took a few deep breaths, readying herself to take the first step. After a few deep breaths she sat up straight, the blood was going to her head, and she started to feel dizzy.

That was when SAM warned her about her sugar and suggested that she should test it. She didn’t even think about that. She would’ve gone to the galley and eat all the food she could find her hands on.

“SAM, _please_ switch the lights on.”

“Switching lights on,” the AI replied.

The light stabbed her eyes with its brightness, and she had to blink a couple of times to get used to it. A few days ago she decided to put her omni-tool on her bedside table. It was in case of lows she could just reach it instead of going to her desk. She grabbed her omni-tool and started to activate it.

The words swam in front of her. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t read. It took a lot of struggle but she finally succeeds.

2.1

Well, that certainly explained a lot. She used her hands as support and got out of the bed. Slowly she used the walls as support, she felt disorientated and if SAM didn’t open the door for her she would’ve walked straight into it.

When she went to the galley she was glad to find that Drack wasn’t in there. She rummaged the fridge. Looking for what she could eat. If it was eatable she ate it. At the end of it, her stomach was so full of food that she felt she was going to burst.

She was going back to her room when all of a sudden she felt the complete opposite of being hot. She was freezing and she couldn’t stop shivering. It probably was the weirdest feeling she ever experienced in her life. When she sat on her bed she realized how much she ate.

_Crap. That’s a lot._

She didn’t mean to eat so much. It was as if her brain took over. Survival kicked in. She needed to do whatever it took to survive.

It took another half an hour to fall asleep again.

Ryder rubbed her neck hoping somehow it will help. It didn’t. After getting dressed she tested her sugar, which was high of course, it was expected after eating so much, and then she injected herself and got some breakfast.

After she was done she went to the med-bay. Her headache only got worse, and worse and she felt like she wouldn’t survive the day without a painkiller.

“Here,” Lexi gave her two white capsules.

Ryder blinked at the pills in her hand. It looked awfully like regular headache pills. “Isn’t this the regular ones? Or do they all look the same?”

It happened, in the past that Liam got migraines and Ryder would sometimes come and see Lexi. She gave him some strong stuff, but Ryder doubted these white pills will do anything. It was possible that Ryder was wrong and these were strong.

“Ryder,” Lexi started, and the tone that the asari doctor used told Ryder she wouldn’t like where this was headed. “I can’t give you that.”

Ryder waited for Lexi to explain it further but when she didn’t Ryder decided to ask. “Why not?” Then Ryder realized something, since the moment she became a diabetic she heard everyone saying how so many things are bad for her because of her newly diagnosed disease. She expected food, of course, but it was much more than food. “Why is it bad for me?”

“You are a diabetic.” She hated it when people started with that, she already knew she was one. It’s as if people thought she just forgot about it. Or it explained everything. If Lexi noticed Ryder’s disgust she didn’t say she went on, “And you need to take care of your organs. More so than others. These painkillers aren’t good for your kidneys.”

“Lexi, we don’t live in the 20th century. There have been improvements in meds.” Ryder knew it was useless information to Lexi. She was a doctor, she already knew all of this. But she’d hoped it would help her case.

“There is, but these meds can still have an influence. With all your injuries I don’t want to give you strong pain killers at every point. If these headaches of you stop we can talk about it again, but until then…”

“Fine.” Lexi didn’t need to finish her sentence.

She took the pills and went to the galley to find some water for them.

**Author's Note:**

> All feedback is appreciated.


End file.
